Oh My Goddess, Pt 1
Written by: Krista Vernoff
& Curtis Kheel
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick
Season 5, Episode 22
Episode Number: 110
[Scene: P3. Night. Phoebe is sitting at a table with a guy.]
Phoebe: I am really glad Elise made me call you. You're exactly the kind of guy I've been looking for.
Guy: Is that so?
Phoebe: Oh, it is so so. You're cute, you're sweet, you're smart. And from what I hear, you're raking in the dough.
Guy: Well, you have quite the way with words, don't you?
Phoebe: Yeah, well, when it comes to helping needy children, I'm shameless. Come on, Evan, please do the charity auction. It'll be fun.
Evan: It'll be fun to be auctioned off like a side of beef?
Phoebe: Yeah, well, it's not like we're asking you to marry the highest bidder, it's just, you know, one little date. And one little tax deductible donation, you know, to match your lady's bid.
Evan: Is there any chance Ask Phoebe will be doing some bidding?
Phoebe: Well, you will just have to sign up to find out, hm.
(She shows him a clipboard and he writes his name down.)
[Cut to Paige and a guy sitting at the bar.]
Guy #2: Then I graduated from Stanford law in '98.
Paige: Harvard law. Hm, that's impressive. So do you want to give to a charity, or what?
Guy: I said Stanford, not Harvard.
Paige: Let me ask you something. Have you been having any kind of end of the world, fire and brimstone, doomsday kind of dreams lately?
Guy: Wait a minute, is this some sort of religious charity?
(Phoebe walks up to them.)
Phoebe: No, it's not. It's for children.
Guy: Right. Yeah. Hey, to each his own, but I'm not into the whole fire and brimstone thing.
(The guy walks away.)
Phoebe: Paige, you're supposed to be flirting with the bachelors, not frightening them.
Paige: I'm sorry, I guess I'm just a little off.
Phoebe: Well, my boyfriend moved to Hong Kong, I'm thoroughly depressed. But I still managed to sign up six people and you have...
Paige: I have none people.
Phoebe: None people. Paige, I know you've been in a bad mood but this is getting a little crazy.
Paige: What? I've barely slept all week. I keep having these strange dreams about ancient wars and weird magic. All very disturbing.
Phoebe: Do you think they mean something?
Paige: I don't know. It could be hormones. More likely, it could be my subconscious trying to tell me something.
[Scene: Snow-Covered Mountains. A cave. A demon kneels before two huge frozen people. The demon reads from a scroll.]
Demon: Emergo dormio lebertus chilus dechio. Emergo dormio lebertus chilus dechio. (The ice surrounding the people starts to crackle. Suddenly, the ice explodes, knocking the demon backwards. The people are free - Titans from Ancient Greece.) It worked. You're alive.
(The demon stands up.)
Male Titan: How long?
Demon: How long? Three thousand years, give or take a century.
Female Titan: What!
(A pot across the room bursts into flames.)
Male Titan: Who are you?
Demon: Me? I'm the demon who spent decades trying to free you. Now you're gonna return the favour. It wasn't easy either. The world's forgotten about you. But I had a vision. If I could somehow revive you, I could use your power to bring myself to glory, rule the underworld as I was always meant to.
(The male titan zaps the demon and vanquishes him.)
Male Titan: Imbecile.
(The female titan smiles.)
Female Titan: I love it when you smite so unexpectedly.
(They kiss passionately.)
Male Titan: We have to find Cronus and free him as well.
Female Titan: Do we have to? I know he'll be furious.
Male Titan: I am counting on it.
[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper and Phoebe are there. Piper is sitting on the chair fanning herself with sheets of paper. Phoebe opens the doors to the yard.]
Phoebe: With the love that is everything good and pure, why have we never bothered to get air conditioning?
Piper: Because we live in San Francisco where the temperature rarely goes above 75º.
Phoebe: Okay, well, it's at 90 now, can we get one today, please?
Piper: Yeah, we could if it was not for this little expenditure here.
(Piper hands her the phone bill.)
Phoebe: Uh-oh. Yeah, that's a lot of phone calls to Hong Kong.
Piper: Yes, it is.
Phoebe: Okay, before you start yelling, let me just explain to you I'm trying to figure out where Jason and I stand, and to do that it requires a lot of phone calls. You're gonna throw that glass at me, aren't you?
Piper: No, honey, I get it. You know, it is a very big phone bill, but if you have to choose between true love and air conditioning, I'd say it's a no brainer.
Phoebe: Who are you and what have you done to my sister?
Piper: What? I can't be in a good mood?
Phoebe: No. Mary Poppins wouldn't be in a good mood in this kind of heat.
Piper: Well, Wyatt is finally sleeping through the night and my hormones are back in wack and, you know, Leo and I are finally...
Phoebe: Back in the saddle.
Piper: So to speak.
Phoebe: Yay you. God I miss sex.
Piper: I gotta tell you, life is feeling pretty damn good at the moment.
Phoebe: So where is your lucky husband and my perfect nephew?
Piper: They are shopping for a present for Darryl's son.
Phoebe: Look at you. You're like soccer mum. Dare I say it, your life is almost normal.
(Paige walks in.)
Paige: There is nothing normal about this heat.
Phoebe: Good morning, sunshine.
Paige: Oh, save the quips and pass the caffeine. I have work to do.
(Phoebe hands Paige a glass of iced tea.)
Piper: What are you gonna do? Scry for mother nature and have a wiccan word with her?
Paige: Okay, you're way too perky, alright, and you're frightening me. I'm just saying.
Phoebe: So you think this weather is demonic?
Paige: I don't know, there's just something weird. I keep waking up all week long with these fiery dreams. What am I supposed to think?
Piper: Uh-oh, you're not getting like a god complex or something, are you? 'Cause, you know, they've got medication for that.
Paige: I didn't say my dreams caused it, I'm just... I don't know what I'm saying.
Phoebe: Honey, maybe you need to get out of the house a little more.
Paige: Well, this isn't just me being obsessive... okay, maybe a little bit. But it's not just psychological or emotional, I really, really think there's something...
Paige: Yeah, for lack of a better term. Listen, I don't wanna be a downer but I'm gonna go hit the books so I can go figure out what the hell is going on.
(Paige leaves the room.)
Phoebe: Should we be worried?
Piper: I don't think so. But I just wish she'd stop looking for trouble, 'cause with our luck, she's gonna find it.
[Scene: Snow-Covered Mountains. The two titans are standing in front of a frozen Cronus, another Titan. The male titan is melting the ice with his power.]
Male Titan: There he is as raffle as ever.
Female Titan: All the more reason to leave him be.
Male Titan: Careful, Meta.
Meta: Demetrius, I'm telling you, we don't need him. We've more than enough power to rule without him, you know that. Just imagine, a new plague every day, a monsoon every week. It would be devastating.
Demetrius: Nevertheless, we will need his strength to revenge our captors and that is something we all want. Oh, now, don't pout, Meta. You might start a hurricane and alert them. (He kisses her.) Now, go and find the Whitelighters. Won't be long before I free Cronus and you know how impatient he can get.
(Meta disappears. Demetrius turns into a tornado and floats to the sky, turning into dark clouds. A lightning bolt flashes down and hits the ice surround Cronus.)
[Scene: Park. A birthday party. Piper and Leo are sitting on chairs with Wyatt beside them in his pram. Darryl is cooking some sausages on the barbeque. Darryl's son runs up to him.]
Darryl's Son: Daddy! Daddy! Show us your trick!
Darryl: Trick? I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about. (Darryl kneels down in front of his son.) Hold on a second, wait, you have something in your ear.
Darryl's Son: I do? (Darryl reaches behind his son's ear and pulls out a coin.) Yeah!
(Darryl's son gives him a hug.)
Leo: You call that magic?
(Leo laughs. Piper playfully hits him on the arm. Darryl's wife, Sheila, walks over to them.)
Sheila: Okay, who wants hot dogs?
(Leo puts his arm around Piper and they cuddle happily.)
Darryl: Let me guess. First time the baby slept all night, huh?
Piper: How'd you know?
Darryl: First few months after my kid was born was rough, you know. No sleep, no time for each other.
Leo: Sounds familiar.
Sheila: Yeah, but right about three, four months, things started to level off. Really good again.
Darryl: 'Til he hits two.
Sheila: Oh, don't scare them.
(The Elders call Leo.)
Leo: Uh, Piper, I have to go.
Piper: But we just got here.
Leo: I know, baby, but it's the Elders.
(Piper looks at Darryl.)
Darryl: Don't worry, she knows.
Sheila: Ah, secret's safe with me. Argue away.
Leo: Honey, I'm sorry, but it sounds urgent.
Piper: Okay, well, then I need to express to you that this is going to make me feel a little abandoned.
Leo: Alright, well, I understand, I acknowledge your feelings and I want to let you know that I love you, even though I have to go.
Sheila: Darryl, stop.
Piper: What's so funny?
Darryl: Nothing, um, just marriage counselling, huh?
Sheila: Honey, we did it too. We recognise the tools.
Piper: I think I hate the tools. I'd rather just snipe later than be honest and open about my feelings now.
Darryl: Yeah, we felt the same way.
Wife: But you know what? Turns out the tools really helped.
Leo: Piper, I have to go.
Piper: Fine, go. I mean, thank you for considering my feelings and I love you and I will see you later at home.
(They kiss and Leo leaves.)
Sheila: Very good.
[Scene: P3. Phoebe and Elise are there. Other people are setting up for the children's charity.]
Elise: So you'll introduce the bachelors from here and then they'll enter from over there. (Phoebe watches a cute guy walk past.) Phoebe, are you with me?
Phoebe: I am all over him... I mean it. All over it.
Elise: Phoebe, the newspaper only sponsors one charity event a year and I want this to go off without a hitch.
Phoebe: It will, I promise.
Elise: Okay, that's what I like to hear. Oh, and please thank your sister again for donating her club.
Phoebe: I just hope everyone doesn't melt by the time they get here. It's gonna be kind of hard to auction off bachelor soup.
Elise: It is bizarre weather, isn't it? I spoke to Jason this morning and he says it's the same way in Hong Kong.
Phoebe: You spoke to Jason? Did he mention me?
Elise: Look, not that it's any of my business but are you sure you want to tether yourself to a boyfriend who's half way across the world?
Phoebe: I know. And the truth is this heat's kind of making me boy crazy. It just feels really to end a good relationship so abruptly.
Elise: He's the one who moved away, Phoebe.
Phoebe: I know.
Elise: And at the risk of advising an advice columnist, I say you bid on a bachelor or two tomorrow. That way I can live vicariously through you.
Phoebe: Oh, Elise, you brazen hussy.
Elise: Hehe hehe hehe hehe.
(Paige orbs in near by, holding two thick coats.)
Phoebe: Oh my god.
Elise: What? What is it?
Phoebe: Nothing. Hold that thought.
Elise: What thought?
(Phoebe goes over to Paige.)
Phoebe: Paige, are you out of your mind?
Paige: As it turns out I am not. Listen, we are in big trouble.
Phoebe: Yeah, you almost exposed our magic to a room full of people.
Paige: No, listen. I studied the I-ching, tarot cards, runes and tea leaves and they're all giving me the same reading.
Phoebe: That you need a good night sleep?
Paige: No, that there's something big going on in the supernatural world. If my reading is right, it's not just the thunder and heat, we could be in store for a big earthquake or worse.
Phoebe: Okay, so what do you want us to do? Do you have a plan?
Paige: Not so much a plan as a location. I scryed for evil and one place kept coming right up red hot. (She hands Phoebe one of the jackets.) Take this, you're gonna need it. We're going on a trip.
[Cut to the Snow-covered Mountains. Cave. Phoebe and Paige walk into the cave wearing the jackets. Phoebe is shivering.]
Phoebe: Okay, there's a reason nobody lives in this part of the world because they all died from the cold.
Paige: I thought you said you wanted air conditioning.
Phoebe: This sucks.
(Paige spots a scorch mark.)
Paige: Scorch mark. See if you can get a premonition.
Phoebe: I don't have my gloves.
Paige: Tough it out. I got us this far.
Phoebe: Okay, fine.
(Phoebe kneels down and touches the scorch mark.)
Paige: Did you get anything?
Phoebe: Yeah. Frost bite. Shush. (Phoebe gets a premonition.) Ooh! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
Phoebe: No, not here hot. In my vision.
Paige: Vision, good, tell me what it is.
Phoebe: Ah, two very large someone's coming out of that wall.
Phoebe: I don't know.
(Suddenly, the roof caves in on top of them.)
[Cut to outside. A lightning bolt hits a frozen Cronus and he is freed. Demetrius appears.]
Demetrius: My lord.
Cronus: They did this to me. To me!
Demetrius: They will be punished.
Cronus: Punished. I will obliterate them!
[Cut inside the cave. Phoebe and Paige make their way out from under the snow.]
Paige: Earthquake. Did I call it or what?
Phoebe: Did I mention this sucks?
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Paige are there. Phoebe has a blanket wrapped around her and she is shivering. Piper walks in carrying a box.]
Piper: Okay, I know it's cooled off a little bit since this morning but what are you doing?
Paige: Is this them?
(Phoebe looks at the Book of Shadows.)
Piper: Who's them?
Phoebe: We're not sure yet. How was the party?
Piper: Oh, just super fun. Leo got called away and I got to use my tools.
Paige: Is that them?
Phoebe: No, they looked a little bit more... ancient.
Piper: Will someone please tell me what's going on?
(Leo orbs in.)
Leo: Ah, a Whitelighter's disappeared.
Phoebe: A Whitelighter? Like from a Darklighter?
Leo: No, a Darklighter's poison is slow and painful, this was more instantaneous and the Elders have no idea what it could have been.
Paige: It's all connected.
Piper: What's connected?
Paige: Whatever it is that escaped from the ice cave.
Leo: You were in an ice cave?
Paige: Heat wave, earthquake, my dreams, this is way bigger than any one Whitelighter.
Phoebe: I'd better drop out of that charity benefit.
Leo: Yeah, maybe we should cancel counselling, honey.
Piper: Hold it, wait a minute, no. This is exactly what we're supposed to be learning in therapy. When to put our lives on hold and when not to.
Paige: But Piper, a Whitelighter was killed.
Piper: We don't know that. He could've just clipped his wings and he's in hiding.
Phoebe: Is that possible?
Leo: Yeah, I guess.
Piper: Look, people, we just need to manage our lives our little bit better. Dr. Berenson says that needless worry and panic serve absolute no purpose except to prevent the possibility of happiness.
Phoebe: I am all for the possibility of happiness.
Piper: Good, so we need to address the immediate the problem at hand and circle the wagons only when we have to.
Paige: Okay, Leo, maybe you should get the Elders to put a ban on Whitelighters orbing until we figure out exactly what's going on.
Leo: Okay, I'll meet you in therapy.
Piper: Okay, don't be late. Is it safe for you to orb up there right now?
Leo: Yeah, no worrying remember?
(He kisses Piper and orbs out.)
[Cut to Up There. Everything is white. Elders wearing gold robes walk around talking in their clickety-clack language. Leo orbs in and looks around. He walks over to two Elders.]
Leo: What's going on? What's with all the activity? I just left here.
Roland: It's not your concern.
Cecil: Roland, please. Actually, we're not sure, Leo. But we do know something is not quite right.
Leo: Why? Has another Whitelighter...
Cecil: No. It's something else.
Roland: Something we're not at liberty to discuss outside the council of Elders.
Leo: Anything to do with heat waves? Earthquakes?
Cecil: What do you know?
Leo: Not much. Just that Paige has been having these strange dreams lately. Dreams that seem pretty prophetic.
Cecil: You think she foresaw these earthquakes?
Roland: That's not her power.
Leo: It's not a power, it's more of an instinct.
Roland: An instinct? That's what you're basing this on?
Leo: Well, it hasn't let her down so far, has it? Look, excuse me, but I've just learned to rely on her instincts. All of their instincts.
Cecil: As well you should have, Leo. Now, what did you come up here to tell us?
Leo: Just that the girls think, we all think, maybe we should ground all Whitelighters until we know for sure that it's safe.
(The Elders look at each other.)
Cecil: We agree. We'll initiate the orders as soon as you've returned to them. In the mean time, keep them working on this, it's important.
Leo: You're worried, aren't you?
Cecil: You know me better than that. At the end of the day, even we can't change what's meant to be. Just remember, no matter what happens, you must always follow your instincts too.
[Scene: A park. Night. A stone statue is there. A witch is unconscious on the ground with a wound on her forehead. Meta is standing near by. A woman Whitelighter orbs in.]
Woman Whitelighter: Krista!
Meta: It's about time you came to heal your charge.
Woman Whitelighter: Who are you? What do you want?
Meta: A Whitelighter.
(Meta's eyes glow and turns the Whitelighter into stone.)
[Cut to the snowy place. Demetrius and Cronus are there. Meta and the two stone statues appear.]
Meta: It's good to see you again, my lord.
Cronus: You never were a good liar, Meta. Where's the third one?
Meta: Unfortunately, Whitelighters are not as easy to find in this time. Much has changed. Magic is no longer practised so openly.
Cronus: Much may have changed, but you certainly haven't. You know, it's always amazed me how someone as beautiful as you could so easily turn a mortal to stone. (He touches her cheek.) You haven't changed a bit, have you? She stays behind.
Demetrius: No, she can't. We are stronger as three than two. We will need every ounce of that strength that we are to take revenge on our captures.
Cronus: But if we wait, we risk them finding out we've been awake, and then even with orbs, we will not be able to break in.
Demetrius: Then that is a risk we will have to take.
Cronus: Says who? You, Demetrius? Are you challenging me?
Meta: No. No, of course he's not, Cronus. I've got power enough for both of you. You can take them and use them to find a third Whitelighter for me.
Cronus: And if we can't?
Meta: Then I suppose I'll just have to let you boys handle it.
(Demetrius and Cronus walk over to the statues and suck the power out.)
[Scene: Outside Dr. Berenson's office. Waiting room. Piper is sitting on a chair with Wyatt. Leo walks around the corner.]
Leo: Sorry, honey.
Piper: I was starting to get worried about you.
Leo: I know, I-I-I know. I came as fast as I could.
Piper: Well, what happened? What took so long?
Leo: I don't know. They don't know. But we can talk about it later. Right now our first priority is us.
Piper: That's a good answer 'cause I don't think there's enough tools in the box to handle being stood up at the shrink.
(The Elders call Leo.)
Piper: No way. Are you kidding me?
Leo: It sounds important.
Piper: But you were just there.
Leo: I know. Look, I acknowledge that this is very difficult for you.
Piper: You know what? Screw that, damn it! I'm just scared.
Leo: I told you it was safe orbing up there.
Piper: No, not about that. I'm scared that every time something good happens, every time I actually think we can have a normal life together, something goes wrong.
(The Elders call Leo again.)
Leo: Piper, I have to go.
Piper: I know. And I know that it's not your fault. It's just the way that it is.
Leo: I love you.
(He kisses her forehead and leaves.)
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Paige is there looking at the Titans page in the Book of Shadows.]
Paige: Phoebe! Hey, Phoebe!
(Phoebe runs in.)
Phoebe: Did you find something?
Paige: Do Titans ring a bell?
Phoebe: Titans like from Ancient Greece? You have got to be kidding me.
Paige: No, ancient gods who were entombed because it was the only way to stop them.
Phoebe: Okay, well, even if it is them, how'd they get out? And why go after the Whitelighters?
Paige: I don't know. Maybe one of them was hurt maybe they needed healing powers? I do know that because of the Elders' no orbing edict, that the only way they're gonna get another Whitelighter is if one...
Phoebe: Oh, no way, Paige, forget about it.
Paige: Why not? If I'm right, they will come right to us.
Phoebe: And you're saying this like it's a good thing?
Paige: It is. This is why I haven't been sleeping. This is what I've been preparing for all year. I have got potions here that are stronger than the ones that we used on the Source.
Phoebe: OKay, devil's advocate, until we figure out how powerful they are, we shouldn't use you as bait.
Paige: Witch's advocate, there are evil gods running around on the loose that we should eliminate before Wyatt gets home.
Phoebe: Mm, that's dirty. Why do I feel like you're making me choose between my sister and my nephew?
Paige: Because you're slightly overdramatic?
Phoebe: I'm a little overdramatic?
Paige: Well, can we just do this please?
Phoebe: Okay, fine. Bring on the earthquake causing gods.
Paige: Watch this.
(Paige orbs out and orbs back in. They hear a rumble and Meta appears. Paige throws a potion at her. Meta's eyes glow. Phoebe throws another potion at Meta but nothing happens. Meta uses her power and sends Phoebe flying across the room. Suddenly, a 20-year-old guy orbs in in front of Phoebe.)
Guy: Don't look into her eyes! (They guy throws three potions at Meta but doesn't harm her. Meta disappears. The guy helps Phoebe up.) Are you alright?
(Phoebe looks over at Paige who has turned to stone.)
Phoebe: Oh my god, Paige.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe is looking at Paige.]
Guy: Don't worry, she's alright. (Phoebe gives him a look.) Well, I mean, she's not completely alright, obviously, but she's not dead.
Phoebe: Are you sure she's not?
Guy: Frankly, you see this a lot. Museums, universities, town centres... Most of those statues, not really statues. They're people like your sister here who have been, uh, turned into stone.
Phoebe: Who are you?
Guy: Chris. Chris Perry. I'm from the future.
(Piper walks in.)
Piper: Oh! My god, tell me that's just a really good likeness of Paige.
Phoebe: Oh, it's Paige.
Chris: Titan turned her to stone.
Piper: Who-who are you?
Phoebe: That's Chris. He's from the future.
Chris: Yeah, but just like twenty years or so.
Piper: Uh-huh. Friend or foe?
Phoebe: Not so sure yet.
Chris: What do you mean? I saved Paige, didn't I?
Phoebe: Oh, you call that saving, do you?
Chris: Hey, I'm the one that put my life on the line here. I didn't have to drop everything I was doing just to orb in and save her butt...
Piper: You-you orb? You're a Whitelighter?
Chris: Look, where I come from, history shows Paige didn't get turned into stone on this day... she died. And with her death the power of three died too, allowing Titans to rule and create a world you don't wanna see, trust me. I'm hear to alter history. To help you save the future.
Phoebe: Who sent you?
Chris: I can't answer that.
Phoebe: Why not?
Chris: Because anything I tell you could risk changing the future in ways we don't want.
Piper: Who's we?
Chris: All I gotta say is, is that if I hadn't got here when I did, Paige would have been the third Whitelighter victim.
Phoebe: Wait, third? I thought only one was missing?
Chris: Not anymore.
Piper: Leo! Leo!
(Leo orbs in.)
Leo: Honey, I'm sorry I missed counselling but...
Piper: Forget that, we've got bigger problems.
Leo: What happened?
Piper: Forget that too. How many Whitelighters are missing?
Piper: How many?
Leo: Uh, two. That's what the Elders just called me for.
Chris: Believe me now?
Leo: Who's he?
(They hear a crash coming from downstairs.)
Phoebe: What was that?
[Cut to the stairs. Piper, Phoebe and Leo walk down them. A fairy flies past. They look down into the parlor where there are dwarves, leprechauns, wood nymphs, elf nanny and other creatures.]
Dwarf: Sorry, we'll pay for that. (He points to the broken vase on the floor.) So long as you can keep the world from ending.
[Scene: Snow-covered Mountains. Demetrius, Cronus and Meta are there.]
Cronus: It was a trap. You were tricked.
Meta: Still, there are other Whitelighters.
Cronus: No, we have been discovered. Your incompetence has endangered us all!
Meta: My incompetence? I only went where I was told. My lord.
Demetrius: It doesn't matter. We can go back. They will be no match for the three of us.
Cronus: Out of the question. We have to attack our enemies now while we still can.
Demetrius: I won't leave Meta behind.
Cronus: It's alright, Demetrius, you won't have to. (Cronus throws a fireball at Meta and vanquishes her.) Careful, Demetrius. Either you're with me, or you're with her.
[Cut to the manor. Piper and Leo are taking everyone into the conservatory.]
Piper: Come on, come on, prance this way. Here we go. Here we go. Move it, move it, move it. Today.
Dwarf: Hey, quit manhandling us. We're not your pets.
Piper: No, you're just a pain. Now, go on. And don't let the neighbours see you.
(A muscly man wearing no shirt, holding a crystal ball walks into the conservatory.)
Phoebe: Whoa, check out the size of that Oracle's... ball.
(Piper closes the conservatory doors.)
Piper: Phoebe, focus. (Piper gasps. She has the fairy stuck in the door.) I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. (The fairy flies away.) Stay away from those windows. (She steps into the parlor.) What the hell is going on around here?
(The Elf nanny walks in, holding onto a drumstick.)
Elf Nanny: If you haven't noticed, the world's a mess out there. Something terrible's going on. Everyone senses it.
Phoebe: The Titans?
Leo: Must be.
Piper: So you guys just all came here figuring that we would stop them?
Elf Nanny: Well, you are the Charmed Ones, aren't you? (Wyatt cries from upstairs.) Do you always leave the little one unattended?
Piper, Phoebe: No!
Elf Nanny: Well, it just sounds like he needs to be changed. I'll take care of it.
(She turns for the stairs.)
Piper: Hold it! You are not the nanny. We rejected you.
Elf Nanny: No, I rejected you. But I suppose I can fill in, just for a bit.
(The Elf Nanny faces the stairs and disappears.)
Phoebe: Did she just hire herself?
Piper: (to Leo) You need to go watch her.
Leo: What about the Elders? I need to let them know the Titans are back.
Phoebe: Can't Chris tell them? I mean, he's a Whitelighter, isn't he?
Piper: Wait a minute. Where is he?
Phoebe: Upstairs with Paige.
Leo: And the book.
Piper: (to Leo) Alright, you, to the Elf. (Leo goes upstairs.) You keep an eye on our magical house guests. Herd them into the basement or something. I'm gonna go see what future boy is up to.
[Cut to the attic. Chris is flipping through the Book of Shadows. Piper walks in.]
Piper: What are you doing?
Chris: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to find a way to free stone-cold Paige over here.
Piper: Step away.
Chris: Please, like I haven't looked in this before. By the way, you should update your goblins entry. It'll come in handy some day.
Chris: Yeah, trust me. It's gonna get ugly. Look, obviously you don't trust me, but I touched the book, right? And the book thinks I'm good. Shouldn't you?
Piper: Well, maybe you found a way around that.
Chris: Piper, come on. I'm just trying to help.
Piper: Well, then if that's true, why don't you tell me how to vanquish the Titans?
Chris: Except you can't vanquish them.
Piper: You mean, not without the power of three.
Chris: Maybe not even with that. The only way the Elders could stop them three thousand years ago was by infusing some mortals with a hell of a lot of power. Way more than you guys have.
Piper: So they can do that again.
Chris: Not after what happened last time. When the mortals trapped the Titans, the power went to their heads. They declared themselves gods and forced the world to worship them. The Elders swore they would never allow that to happen again.
Piper: Hang on a second, I'm having a ninth grade flashback. You're talking about the Greek gods, Zeus, Athena, Aphrodite? They were mortals?
Chris: Mythology left that part out. Not the only inaccuracy by the way.
(Phoebe, the dwarf and Finnegan the Leprechaun walk in.)
Piper: Phoebe, what are you doing? You're supposed to be...
Phoebe: I know, I know. But I thought they could help us free Paige. After all, a leprechaun's luck has helped us before.
(She pats the dwarf on the shoulder.)
Dwarf: He's the leprechaun, I'm one of the seven dwarves. Try to keep it straight, will you?
(Finnegan walks over to the statue.)
Finnegan: It's gonna take a lot more than just me luck to free this one. We're gonna need some pixie dust too.
Dwarf: I'll get a fairy. Left my axe downstairs anyway.
(The dwarf leaves the attic.)
Phoebe: Okay, so where are we?
Piper: Screwed. Possibly. One thing I'm still not clear about. If the Titans are roaming around, why are they killing Whitelighters?
Chris: Because they need their orbing power.
Piper: Their orbing power? What on earth would they wanna do with... oh my god. Leo!
(Piper races out of the attic.)
Phoebe: Wh-What'd I miss? What did she just figure out?
Chris: Nothing good.
[Cut to the nursery. Leo and the Elf Nanny are watching a crying Wyatt in his crib. She uses her magic and a blanket appears wrapped around Wyatt.]
Leo: How'd you know he was cold?
Elf Nanny: Babies are what I do.
(Piper races in.)
Piper: Leo? The Titans are after the Elders.
Piper: You have to go warn them but don't stay up there too long. Hurry.
(Leo orbs out. Piper looks down at Wyatt and smiles slightly.)
[Cut to Up There. Leo orbs in and sees the Elders' bodies lying dead on the floor. There are black scorch marks everywhere. Leo sees Cecil's body near by.]
(He falls to his knees.)
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe, the dwarf, Finnegan and a fairy are there. The fairy throws magic dust on the Paige statue and Finnegan holds out his gold nugget, hitting the statue with good luck.]
Finnegan: Now, laddie!
(The dwarf hits the statue with his pick but nothing happens.)
Dwarf: Don't know what else to try.
Finnegan: Running out of gold too, I'm afraid.
Phoebe: Okay, well, there's gotta be something we can do. Just keep trying. (Phoebe walks over to Chris who is looking at some things on a shelf.) What are you doing over here?
Chris: Nothing. You guys keep this stuff forever, you know that?
Phoebe: You knew the Titans were after the Elders, didn't you? Why didn't you tell us?
Chris: I told you, there's some things I can't tell you. Some things you need to figure out on your own.
Phoebe: Even at the risk of making things worse?
(Piper walks in.)
Piper: Alright, what's going on? Leo is not responding to any of my calls and it's been over five hours.
Chris: I really don't know.
Piper: Well, I really think you do.
Chris: Look, you're the one who wanted him to go up there in the first place, not me. Alright, fine, maybe I do know. And if I'm right, he's gonna need some serious alone time.
Piper: You know what? Cut it out with the cryptic crap. You need to go up there and bring him back now. No more games.
Chris: Okay, fine, I'll go. But if I were you two, I'd focus on freeing Paige because you're gonna need her. Soon.
(He orbs out.)
Piper: I swear to god, if he does not come back with Leo, I'm gonna blow his ass back to the future, orbs and all.
Phoebe: You know what? Why don't you go be with Wyatt and I'll take care of everything up here. I will call you if anything happens, I promise. You're not breathing.
Phoebe: Breathe. (Piper leaves the attic.) Okay, next sister.
[Cut to Up There. Leo is sitting beside Cecil's body. Chris orbs in.]
(Leo gets up and walks towards Chris.)
Leo: Why didn't you tell me? Why did you let this happen!
(He pushes Chris against a wall.)
Chris: Easy, easy!
Chris: Because this had to happen. It had to happen so you could do what has to be done.
Leo: What are you talking about? They're all dead. Gone.
Chris: No. Not all of them. Some of the Elders escaped back to earth but it won't be long before the Titans hunt them down too. But you can still stop them. You can still defeat the Titans.
Chris: I think you know how.
Leo: It's too dangerous. The Elders forbid it.
Chris: True. But then again, the Elders aren't around to stop you now, are they? That's right, Leo. This is what it's all about. This is why they had to die so you could do something they'd never do. To save a future for your family, for your son.
Leo: This is crazy.
Chris: Maybe, but it's our only chance. Like it or not, you've been put in this situation for a reason, Leo. We both have.
Leo: Says you. How do I know you're not trying to manipulate the situation for your own future? Just the way you've manipulated everything else.
Chris: You don't. But what choice do you really have? There's certainly no future unless you do something.
Leo: I don't know. Even if I were to believe you, even if I were willing, I couldn't. I'm no Elder.
Chris: Well, you better start acting like one.
[Cut to the manor. Attic. The fairy sprinkles magic dust on the Paige statue.]
Phoebe: Now. (Finnegan holds out his gold nugget, hitting the statue with good luck. Phoebe throws a potion at the statue.) Hit it! (The dwarf hits the statue with his pick. The stone crumbles and frees Paige.) Honey, hi! (Phoebe hugs Paige.) Oh, I'm so happy to see you. Are you okay?
Paige: What happened? Where's the Titan? What the hell are these guys doing here?
Phoebe: Long story, I'll tell you on the way.
(Phoebe and Paige leave the attic.)
Dwarf: You're welcome!
[Cut to the living room. Piper is sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Paige walk down the stairs.]
Phoebe: There you are.
(They walk into the living room.)
Paige: Okay, I get the whole epic Titan thing, but what I'm not getting is the Chris thing.
Phoebe: Yeah, we're still trying to figure that part out. Look who's not stoned.
Piper: Welcome back. You've missed a lot.
Paige: Yeah. I can't help but think it's kind of all my fault though. I'm the one who lured the Titans here. Insert I told you so.
Paige: I just kind of was obsessed with the whole weird dreams thing and... but I am so sorry for any distress I might have caused you, Piper.
Piper: Don't worry about it. I should've listened to you in the first place. Just trying not to worry or to panic. I've just got this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Phoebe: What kind of feeling?
Piper: That Leo's not coming back.
Phoebe: Oh, sweetie. (She sits beside Piper.) Of course he's coming back. How could he not?
Piper: I don't know, it's just something that Chris said about Leo having to go through this alone. I don't know. What the hell is he doing up there?
(The dwarf walks in.)
Dwarf: Sorry to interrupt but we're all leaving now.
Phoebe: Wait, why?
Dwarf: Didn't you hear the distress call? The surviving Elders have all been flushed out and they need protection.
Dwarf: The Elf will stay behind to take care of the kid while you battle the Titans. Ciao.
Phoebe: Wait, who said anything about us battling the Titans?
[Scene: Up There. Chris is there.]
Piper: (down below) Leo!
(Some doors open and Leo walks in holding an urn.)
Leo: But she needs me.
Chris: Not as much as the rest of us do. You need to stay here, even afterwards, to coordinate.
Leo: Alright. Then you should go otherwise the girls won't understand.
Chris: Good luck.
(Chris orbs out. Leo takes the lid off the urn.)
LEo: Ekre oh-gee, akman minento.
(A bright light rises out of the urn.)
Piper: (down below) Leo! Leo!
[Cut tto the living room.]
Piper: Leo, for god's sakes, if you can hear me. (Chris orbs in.) You? Where's Leo?
Chris: He's safe. For now. Paige, hi.
Piper: Forget that. What do you mean for now?
Phoebe: What is this about us supposedly battling the Titans?
Chris: You're about to find out.
Paige: What's that supposed to mean?
(A tornado of light swirls around the girls. It disappears and reveals them wearing outfits from ancient Greece. Phoebe has extremely long and thick blonde hair. Paige is holding onto a trident. Phoebe gasps. Chris smiles.)
Chris: That's what that means.
Paige: What happened? What are we?
Chris: You're gods.
To be continued...