The Importance Of Being Phoebe
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick
Season 5, Episode 11
Episode Number: 99
[Scene: Paige's car. Paige is driving along the road, talking on her phone to Phoebe.]
Paige: Okay, so I've stopped at five herb shops but I finally found some eye of newt. So if it's good enough for Shakespeare's witches, I figured it'd help us put a serious dent in Cole.
Phoebe: Look, we've tried everything to vanquish him but nothing works, okay. So I just say we watch our backs and get on with our lives. Speaking of which, do you think eye of newt would work on the woman that's trying to sue me?
Paige: Is she demonic?
Phoebe: Well, she's demonically stupid. Paige, I am seriously worried that I'm going to lose my job over this.
Paige: For giving bad advice in your column?
Phoebe: No, the advice wasn't bad, I never told her she should leave the guy at the altar.
Paige: Either way, what happened to freedom of the press?
Phoebe: Well, apparently some dirt bag lawyer is finding a way around it. (Paige passes a demon wearing a suit, standing on the side of the road. He waves his hand and something blows on her car. Her car spins out of control and Paige screams.) Paige? (Paige's car crashes into another car and she is knocked unconscious.) Paige, are you okay? Paige, do you hear me? Are you okay? Paige.
[Scene: A demonic strip bar. Women in bikinis are dancing on the stage, while demonic men watch them close by. Cole is amongst the demons, watching a dancer straight in front of him. The demon from the street shimmers into the middle of the room, who a waitress bumps into. He looks around and approaches Cole.]
Cole: How'd it go?
Demon: It was beautiful.
Cole: Was the other driver hurt?
Demon: Oh, yeah.
Demon: Now all you gotta do is a little mind control on the witnesses and maybe a cop, and we're golden.
Cole: Let's get outta here.
(Cole starts to get up but a dancer walks over and pushes him back down.)
Dancer: No time for one little dance?
Cole: Kaia, I was waiting for you earlier.
Kaia: I'll make it up to you.
(Cole gives him a look and he walks away.)
Cole: You know what I want.
(Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe and gives him a lap dance.)
[Scene: Hospital. Room. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Paige is in the hospital bed, Phoebe sits on the end of the bed, and Piper sits beside in a chair.]
Piper: Are you sure you don't want to call Leo?
Paige: No, no, it's just a mild concussion and besides, I don't deserve to be healed. I know better than to talk on the phone and drive, I don't know what I was thinking.
Piper: Do you remember what happened?
Paige: I was speaking to Phoebe and then the next thing I know the car just started spinning out of control.
Phoebe: Hm, it's kinda like my career.
Paige: Oh, honey, it's not that bad is it?
Phoebe: I think it is. The newspaper's lawyers wanna meet with me and I don't think it's because they're huge Phoebe fans.
Piper: Well, I'll see you your career and raise you my club. The health inspector's coming back today and the plumbing just exploded, again.
Paige: What is going on with us? Is Mercury in retrograde?
Phoebe: Have you thought about using a magical band-aid?
Piper: I'd do it in a heartbeat if I wasn't afraid of the personal gain consequences.
Phoebe: See, this is why demons always have the upper hand, you know. They can use their magic whenever they want to.
Paige: Yeah, well, you know, that's what separates good from evil.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know that but it's still very tempting. I mean, you could fix your plumbing, I could turn some lawyers into toads.
Piper: Aunt Phoebe, little wiccans have very big ears that can hear you.
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, baby, I was only kidding! Mostly. (to Paige) Are you going to be okay because I have to go get fired now.
Paige: You are not getting fired and I'm fine.
Phoebe: From your mouth and god's ears. (She kisses Paige on the head and turns to Piper's stomach.) Okay, bye, my little niece.
(She kisses Piper's stomach.)
Piper: You're smashing me.
Phoebe: I love you.
Piper: Get off me!
Paige: This is no segue but you and I need to talk about vanquishing Cole.
Piper: 'Cause we don't have enough problems at the moment?
Paige: No, because he's actually our biggest problem at the moment. Okay, look at Phoebe, it's totally beaten her down.
Piper: I don't know, she seemed kind of cheerful considering the state of her career.
Paige: That's this wonderful thing called denial. Okay, the Phoebe I know would never roll over for lawyers like that. This morning when I was talking to her about vanquishing Cole, she told me I was wasting my time. I'm telling you she is off.
Piper: Alright, okay, already. Well, we'll spend the afternoon with our noses in potions. But can I go save the soul source of our income first?
Paige: Yeah, go, I'll see you later.
Piper: Are you okay to orb?
Paige: I'm perfectly fine to orb. Go.
(Piper leaves the room. Paige gets up to get dressed and two police officers knock at the door.)
Cop #1: Paige Matthews?
Cop #1: You're under arrest.
[Scene: Cole's office. Cole's there. The demon stands at the doorway.]
Demon: Felony hit and run. She's going down.
(He walks over to Cole.)
Cole: And P3?
Demon: Health inspector's there, our guys are in place. I've gotta say, using the law to bring down the Charmed Ones was genius, sir. They'll never figure it out.
Cole: Oh, they will figure it out, it'll just be too late. (He shows him some blueprints of the manor.) The Halliwell manor. The doorway to the spiritual nexus. All the power that we need.
Demon: Oh, man. Right under the witches' house. Who knew?
Cole: I did.
Demon: Is that why they're so damn strong?
Cole: Ah, partly. The Nexus packs a punch. The power can go either way, in good hands, good gets a power boost. But when we tap into it, evil spreads.
Demon: How far?
Cole: Far enough. The police, the politicians, and Phoebe. She will be consumed by evil and she will finally give into our love and then I will torture and kill her sisters and we'll live happily ever after.
Demon: Sir, I thought the point of all this was to give you the power to reorganise the Underworld above ground.
Cole: Yes, it is, it is. But to be united, evil must have a happy leader and for me to be happy, I need... (Phoebe walks in carrying a picnic basket.) Phoebe, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: I came to see you, baby. I thought we could have a little picnic.
(She walks over to him and gives him a big kiss on the lips.)
Cole: Kaia, what the hell do you think you're doing?
(Phoebe shapeshifts into Kaia.)
Kaia: Damn, how'd you know it was me?
(She curls her hair around her finger.)
Cole: Well, for starters Phoebe hates me and she doesn't drink and she uses a little less tongue.
Demon: Since when does a stripper follow a guy back from work?
Cole: Hey, hey, hey, Dex, go easy, she's got a little crush.
Dex: With all do respect, sir, Kieran demons are manipulative vixens and this one has an agenda that goes way beyond a little crush.
Cole: Sure, she can smell power, can't you Kaia? Maybe she wants to be my new queen.
Kaia: Just send this one away and I'll prove my worth.
(She strokes his chest.)
Cole: I'm afraid I can't, I'm in love with someone else.
Kaia: But I can give her to you, I can be her.
Cole: No. You're good for the occasional dance but beyond that I need the real thing.
Dex: Alright, you heard him, get out and stay gone. Otherwise, I'll make sure you do.
(Kaia storms towards the door.)
Cole: Not like that. Go out the way you came in. In this office we keep up appearances.
(Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe.)
Phoebe: You want me, I can feel it.
Cole: Hot though.
[Scene: P3. Piper, Leo and the Health Inspector are there. The Inspector has stamped a file saying 'condemned'.]
Piper: Oh, no, no, no, don't do that. Come on, you've gotta give me another chance.
Health Inspector: And why is that?
Piper: Because, because, because...
Leo: Because we've been in business nearly four years and we haven't failed an inspection yet.
Health Inspector: Well, I'd have to disagree with that, Mr. Wyatt. You've failed two this week.
Piper: Yeah, but this week has been bad, like strangely bad and we'll have the plumbing fixed tomorrow so can't you just come back then?
Health Inspector: Well, your record has been impeccable until now. (A rat squeaks and crawls past his feet.) Whoa, hello. (Piper gasps.) Rats too.
Piper: No! No, we don't have rats. They don't live here. They're just, they're just trying to ruin my life.
Health Inspection: Rodent infestation takes longer than a day to clear up. Close down, address the problem, and we'll schedule another inspection in a few weeks.
Piper: I won't need another inspection in a few weeks because if I stay closed that long, I'll be out of business.
Health Inspector: Sorry, there's nothing I can do.
Leo: Alright, well, I'll show you out.
(Leo and the Inspector head for the door. Piper grabs a broom.)
Piper: Where are you? (She chases the rats with the broom.) I hate you, I hate you. Go home! Get out of here you plague spreading, club ruining rodent. I will get you!
(She tries to blow up the rat but misses and gets a chair. Leo walks back in.)
Leo: Piper, what are you doing?
Piper: Diminishing the rodent population obviously.
Leo: Come on, honey, we're gonna get through this.
(Piper goes over and sits on the stairs.)
Piper: Yeah, we will but the club won't. How can this be happening? I mean, I know I've neglected the club since I've been pregnant but not this much.
Leo: These things happen, it's just bad luck.
Piper: No, it is more than bad luck, it is sabotage, it is... it's demonic.
Piper: Well, yeah. Phoebe's lawsuit, Paige's accident... Well, that's it, it's all part of it, it has to be.
Piper: Because I said so and if not, we're losing the club which is just not an option.
(Piper and Leo leave the club. The rats turn into two demons.)
Rat Demon #1: Damn. She missed me by this much.
(They blink out.)
[Scene: Police Station. Paige, Darryl and a cop are there.]
Cop: This way, Ms. Matthews. (The cop stands Paige next to a wall with the lines to measure her height. He walks over to the camera.) No film.
Darryl: Try the filing cabinet. She's not going anywhere.
(He walks away.)
Paige: Why, why am I not going anywhere? You've always helped us before.
Darryl: With your other problems. This is not others.
Paige: I am not so sure.
Paige: I didn't do what they're saying I did. And if anybody is trying to set me up it would be a de... others.
Darryl: Officer Garcia is not others, nor is he in league with any others, he's a good cop and he saved my ass on many occasions.
Paige: Oh my god, I think I see what is going on here. Phoebe's lawsuit, Piper's club... You have to get me out of here otherwise it's just going to get worse.
Darryl: Listen, I am a Lieutenant now, I can't just bend the rules like I used to. (The cop comes back with film. Darryl hands Paige a board with her name on it.) Even if I could, this is legal problems. I-I can't just make those go away.
(Paige holds up the board and the cop takes the photo.)
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Elise's office. Phoebe and Elise are there.]
Elise: We can't just make it go away. She have a strong case for malice.
Phoebe: I don't understand. How does she have a strong case?
Elise: She is claiming that a result of your own bitter divorce, you've made it your mission to destroy other marriages.
Phoebe: That is ridiculous.
Elise: (reading from newspaper) "If you have any doubts, any doubts at all, I suggest you flee at the speed of a baby cheetah at suppertime."
Phoebe: I was using hyperbole.
Elise: I know that. But she's collected dozens of similar clips and she's threatening to go to the press with her story. And as a newswoman I can tell you, it's a good story.
Phoebe: Okay, well, isn't controversy good for sales?
Elise: It may be good for the enquirer but I've worked very hard to build this paper into a respectable news source.
Phoebe: Can't we just pay her off? We have to have insurance for this type of thing, right?
Elise: She doesn't want money. She wants you fired. It's like she's on some kind of vendetta. I'm sorry, Phoebe, I have to suspend you without pay while our lawyers try to work this out.
(Phoebe gets up.)
Elise: Excuse me?
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper opens the front door to let Darryl in.]
Piper: Darryl, have you heard from Paige? Because she was supposed to come straight home from the hospital but...
Darryl: Paige is in jail. We tried to call you but...
Piper: What? For, what for?
Darryl: Reckless endangerment and felony hit and run.
(Suddenly, Paige orbs in.)
Darryl: You have got to be kidding me.
Piper: Paige, Darryl said you were in jail.
Paige: Oh, I am. I mean, I was, I will be. Just as soon as I figure out what demon is doing this to me.
Darryl: You just disappeared from jail?
Paige: No! I put pillows in the bed first. It always worked at my parents house.
Paige: What? You weren't gonna help me so I had to help myself. Whether you believe it or not, there is a demon behind this.
Darryl: At two o'clock, they're gonna come get you for your bail hearing. If you're not there, that's my ass. Everybody knows we're friends. They're gonna just think I let you go.
Paige: I will be there at two o'clock.
Piper: See ya.
Paige: Okay, he hates me.
Piper: Yeah, he does. But for what it's worth I'm with you. Leo's doing the Elder thing.
Paige: Oh, let me guess, you didn't pass the inspection?
Paige: Let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Our problems are legal, right? Who's the only demonic lawyer we know?
Piper: Cole. And he has gone off the deep end lately. But how is ruining our lives gonna help him get Phoebe back?
Paige: I don't know. But until we figure it out we should keep her out of it.
[Scene: Cole's office. Cole is there sitting at his desk. Phoebe barges in, angrily.]
Phoebe: You slimy son of a bitch.
Cole: Phoebe, is that you?
Phoebe: What are you? Evil and blind? Yeah, it's me. (Cole slowly covers over the manor's blueprints with some files.) Look, why don't you just admit that you're behind this. Admit it so I can use magic to fight you.
Cole: I don't know, uh, I don't know what you're talking about.
(She slams the door shut and walks over to his desk.)
Phoebe: Look, Cole, my career is the most important thing to me. Okay, so is that your plan to take it away from me so that I come running to you for comfort?
Cole: Phoebe, I love you and I don't know what's going on but maybe I can help. Would you like me to kill someone for you? Or-or your boss, perhaps? (Phoebe gets so mad she throws all his files on his desk up in the air.) Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Phoebe: I might not be able to use magic but...
Cole: You're sexy when you're mad, you know. I can't wait until I get to kiss you again.
Phoebe: Cole, I will never be with you again. I hate you, I hate you. Do you get that?
Cole: Hate is good. It's passionate, intense, it's-it's-it's a breath away from love. (Phoebe laughs and throws a few more papers in the air before she spins around and leaves.) Ah, she's great.
[Cut to the hallway. Phoebe storms passed Kaia, who's sitting in a chair, covering her face with a magazine.]
[Cut to Cole's office. Kaia walks in.]
Cole: What do you want?
Kaia: Just to give you want you want.
(Kaia morphs into Phoebe.)
[Cut to the elevator. Phoebe is impatiently waiting for the doors to open. She gives up and uses the stairs. The elevator doors open and Piper and Paige walk out. They head for Cole's office.]
Piper: So what are we gonna do?
Paige: We're gonna tell him we're on to him and it's not gonna work.
(They walk into Cole's office and see Cole and Phoebe making out on his desk. They watch in shock.)
[Scene: Outside Cole's office. Hallway. Piper and Paige are there, looking grossed out.]
Paige: I can't believe I saw what I just saw.
Piper: Well, believe it 'cause I saw it too.
Paige: How, why is she kissing him?
Piper: I don't know but I say we go back in there and we pull her out by her hair.
Paige: No, no, we can't make a scene. Okay, we need a plan.
Piper: Okay, here it is. We go home, we vomit...
Piper: That's all I got so far.
[Cut to inside Cole's office. Cole and Kaia/Phoebe stop kissing.]
Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, come on, baby, it was just getting good.
Cole: Not good enough. You'll never be as good as the real Phoebe and you should stop trying.
Kaia/Phoebe: You're right. I'll never be as good, I'll be better. I know tricks the real Phoebe's never even heard of before.
Cole: I've been patient with you up until now. This is the last time I'm gonna say this. Leave and don't come back.
(Phoebe morphs into Kaia.)
Kaia: You don't know what you're missing.
[Cut to the lobby. Dex is waiting by the elevators. Phoebe walks past him and he grabs her.]
Dex: Hey! What did I tell you? Cole has some serious work to do and I will not have you distracting him.
Phoebe: Cole... What the hell? Who are you?
Dex: Get it through your thick head. The leader of the Underworld will never have a whore as his queen.
Phoebe: Did you just call me a whore?
(Kaia walks out of the elevators.)
(Dex shimmers out with Phoebe.)
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper, Paige and Leo are there.]
Leo: There's not, there's no... Are you sure?
Paige: Leo, we saw Phoebe and Cole tongues locked, hands groping all over each other.
Leo: Okay, didn't need the visual.
Piper: Well, maybe he has her under some kind of mind control. I mean, he can do that, that's possible, right?
Leo: Right. I think right now he could do pretty much anything he wanted.
Piper: Why? What do you mean?
Leo: Well, the Elders have sensed a major surge in demonic activity. They think that evil is organising under a new leader.
Paige: Oh, that's just great because the last time Cole was the leader of the Underworld, he took Phoebe as his queen and we were completely blindsided by it that time too. Oh my god, that's why she didn't want me to try to vanquish him.
Piper: She was talking this morning about being tempted.
Paige: She was trying to warn us and we didn't even see it.
Piper: Okay, this just can not be happening, people. I mean, Phoebe would not do this to us. I mean, it can not, can not, can not be happening!
Leo: Okay, let's just calm down, okay. The last time Phoebe was evil she was under the influence of her demonic pregnancy.
Piper: So what, you're saying you think she's pregnant again?
Leo: No! I just think that maybe we're underestimating her. Maybe there's something that we're missing.
Paige: We saw what we saw.
Leo: Okay, well, maybe she's under a spell. Or-or maybe there was some information that she wanted and she was using sex as a tool.
Piper: Okay, I like the sound of that. Slutty and manipulative, that's better than evil any day.
Leo: So let's not panic. Let's talk to Phoebe and give her the chance to explain what's going on. (The clock chimes two o'clock.) By the way, Darryl called.
[Cut to the police station. Jail cell. Paige orbs in bed. Darryl and a guard approach the cell.]
Darryl: She's not ready.
Guard: The judge won't wait.
(The guard unlocks the gate. Paige gets out of bed.)
Paige: Oh, hey, guys, what took you so long? (She walks out of the cell.) Coming, Darryl?
[Scene: Cole's apartment. Phoebe and Dex are there. Dex has a hold of Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Ow! Hey!
Dex: I wouldn't have to hurt you if you stopped trying to get away.
(Cole appears in the room.)
Cole: What happened?
Dex: I mistook her for the other one and I said too much. I thought I'd bring her here until the end of the operation.
Cole: Good thinking.
(He throws an energy ball at Dex and vanquishes him.)
Phoebe: Well, as much fun as this has been...
(She heads for the door.)
Cole: I'm sorry, Phoebe, but Dex is right, I can't let you leave.
Cole: Save your voice. This place is magically protected. I can't have you people sensing what I'm doing in here. (He waves his arms and the windows and doors glow.) Now all the windows and doors are blocked. Please, sweetie, just trust me on this one, I don't want you getting hurt trying to escape.
Phoebe: Alright, don't call me sweetie. You can't hold a person prisoner and then call them sweetie.
Cole: You know, I didn't intend this. I just can't have you running off to your sisters and protecting the Nexus, okay? It is way too important for us.
Phoebe: Wait, the Nexus?
Cole: Dex didn't tell you about that?
Phoebe: No, no he didn't. He just told me you were trying to reorganise the Underworld.
Cole: Oops. Don't be mad. I only want the Nexus so that you can come back to evil and we can be together.
Phoebe: Uh, Cole...
Cole: I'm so sorry, I had to involve your work. I just needed you distracted while I ruined Piper's club and put Paige in jail.
Phoebe: Paige is in jail?
Cole: Listen, I'd love to stay and chat but all this considered I need to speed up my plan.
Phoebe: Well, Cole, my sisters are gonna realise that I'm missing and Leo is gonna try to sense me and when he can't they're gonna come straight to you.
Cole: Um, thanks for the concern, but I think I've got my bases covered.
(Cole waves his hand and Kaia (morphed into Phoebe) appears beside him.)
Kaia/Phoebe: I knew you'd want me again.
Cole: Ignore her.
Phoebe: Oh my god.
Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, no, not god, Kaia!
Cole: Just listen to her voice.
Phoebe: You're sick, you know that? You need help. Are-are you sleeping with me? I mean, her.
Kaia/Phoebe: You're sick, you know that? You need help.
Phoebe: Oh my god.
Kaia/Phoebe: Oh my god.
Cole: Excellent. Come on, Kaia. (They head for the elevator. Cole picks up Phoebe's purse on the way.) Ooh, I'm gonna need this. (to Phoebe) There's some left over Chinese food in the fridge.
(They walk into the elevator.)
Kaia/Phoebe: So if you don't want me, then what do you want?
Cole: I want you to go to Phoebe's house and pretend to be her for a while. Do your job well and you'll be amply rewarded.
Kaia/Phoebe: For a while. (She curls her hair around her finger.) Why not just get rid of her and I could take her place forever.
Cole: Beside from the fact that I love her, Phoebe is a Charmed One. She's protected by her powers, you can't just kill her, so don't get any silly ideas. And stop playing with your hair. Phoebe's more sophisticated than that. Now, go to the house and lay low for a while. I just need a little time to speed things up.
[Cut to the hospital. A room. The driver from the other car in Paige's accident is lying in a bed. Cole appears and walks over to her.]
Cole: Did you sustain your injuries in an accident with Paige Matthews?
Driver: Um, yeah, I guess that was her name. What are you, a lawyer?
Cole: Yeah, that and other things.
(Cole touches her forehead and she gasps for breath. She dies.)
Cole: Sorry. Nothing personal.
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Kaia/Phoebe walks in through the front door. Piper and Leo walk in.]
Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, uh, hi, Piper.
Piper: Don't you hi Piper me. I saw you.
Leo: I thought you said you were gonna be calm.
Piper: I am calm.
Phoebe: You saw me what?
Piper: Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.
Kaia/Phoebe: Trust me, it's not an act.
Piper: We saw you making out with Cole.
Kaia/Phoebe: Okay, well, that's just not possible, you see, because I'm pretty sure that I hate Cole, right?
Piper: Phoebe, I am pregnant, I am emotional and I am freaking out. And if you are back together with Cole then that is just fine but do not deny what I just saw.
Kaia/Phoebe: Okay, alright, then, uh, I'm back together with Cole.
Piper: What? How can you say that?
Kaia/Phoebe: Wh- I thought you said it was fine?
Piper: Well, I didn't mean it and for god's sakes the man mummified you.
Kaia/Phoebe: Whoa, seriously?
Leo: (whispers in Piper's ear) Something's not right, her memory seems gone.
Piper: Okay, that's a good sign. Now Phoebe, try and focus. Does Cole have you under some kind of spell?
Piper: Maybe, maybe is good. Because magic we can fight, lust, desperation, insanity we can not fight, but magic we can fight.
Leo: Unless you've used your powers for evil.
Piper: Which you haven't, have you?
Kaia/Phoebe: No, no, I don't think so and that would be the worst thing ever, right?
Leo: Oh, yeah, we couldn't bring you back from that.
Kaia/Phoebe: Okay, so this is what we have to do. You have to take away my powers so I don't misuse them.
Piper: Yes. She's not evil, you're not evil.
Leo: So you think Cole has you under his control?
Kaia/Phoebe: Well, yeah, why else would I have kissed Cole? Oh my god, what has he done to me?
Piper: Oh, no, honey, it's gonna be okay.
Kaia/Phoebe: Yes, it is going to be okay, it's going to be okay once you take away my powers, you know, just to be safe.
Leo: Piper, if you take away her powers she's going to be really vulnerable.
Phoebe: But you guys can protect me, right?
Leo: Well, I don't know. If Cole is reorganising the Underworld, you're gonna need the Power Of Three.
Piper: No, as long as we're the ones to take it away we can bring it back but if Cole's got Phoebe under his control...
Kaia/Phoebe: Yes, she's right. I am my own worst enemy. The sooner we weaken me the better.
[Cut to Cole's apartment. Phoebe throws a candlestick at the window and it rebounds off the force field.]
(She looks up and notices an air vent in the roof. She levitates up and grabs onto it, trying to pull it open.]
[Cut to the manor. Parlor.]
Piper: "This witch's power can not fight, the lure of evil's magic might, before misuse lands her in hell, remove the powers of Phoebe Halliwell."
[Cut to Cole's apartment. A light floats out of Phoebe and she falls to the floor, hard, knocking her out.]
[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Piper, Kaia/Phoebe and Leo are there.]
Piper: Well, it wasn't my best work but it should've done the trick. Are you okay?
Leo: How do you feel?
Kaia/Phoebe: Um, fine.
Piper: So the spell worked?
Phoebe: Why wouldn't it?
Leo: You know, maybe you should try it out. Try levitating.
(Phoebe puts her arms in the air.)
Piper: What are you doing?
Kaia/Phoebe: Well, I just thought I'd try everything.
Leo: So you can't levitate?
Phoebe: No, apparently not. That means the spell worked, right?
Piper: I don't know, you're still kind of weird. Maybe the spell had a side effect?
Kaia/Phoebe: Or maybe I just feel sick because I had to kiss Cole.
Piper: Ah, that's my girl.
Kaia/Phoebe: Yeah, maybe I need to go and rest for a little while, you know.
Leo: That's a good idea.
[Time lapse. Phoebe's bedroom. Piper and Kaia/Phoebe walk in.]
Piper: Okay, honey, why don't you just lay down for a little while. Do you want some tea or something?
Kaia/Phoebe: Tea sounds great.
Piper: Tea, yes.
(Piper leaves the room and closes the door behind her.)
Kaia/Phoebe: Tea. Who drinks tea? (She locks the door and walks over to the dresser. She opens and drawer and pulls out a knife.) Knife in the panty drawer. My kinda girl.
[Cut to Cole's apartment. Phoebe is still on the floor, unconscious. Kaia/Phoebe appears.]
Kaia/Phoebe: Poor little witchy lost her powers. I should just put you out of your misery.
(Cole appears. Kaia/Phoebe quickly tucks the knife in her pants.)
Cole: What are you doing here?
Kaia/Phoebe: I thought I should tell you that they know you're trying to reorganise the Underworld.
Cole: I didn't ask you to report to me. What were you doing to Phoebe?
Kaia/Phoebe: Well, she's lying in the middle of the room, I was making sure she's okay.
Cole: Since when have you been worried about her well being?
Kaia/Phoebe: Since she means so much to you. What, do you actually think I'd be stupid enough to hurt her? That wouldn't make you happy, baby, and you know all I wanna do is make you happy.
Cole: If you want to make me happy go do the job I asked you to do.
Kaia/Phoebe: Fine, bossy boots. Whatever gets you off.
Cole: And when the time comes, make sure Piper goes to the bail bondsman. She'll refuse at first but you can convince her.
Kaia/Phoebe: The bail bondsman?
Cole: You'll figure it out. Now go.
(Kaia/Phoebe disappears. Cole walks over to Phoebe and picks her up. He carries her into his room and lays her on the bed. He kisses her and disappears. Phoebe wakes up.)
[Cut to the manor. Hallway. Piper is there knocking on the door to Phoebe's room.]
Piper: Are you okay? Phoebe? (Phoebe opens the door, wearing headphones. She takes them off.) Didn't you hear me knocking?
Kaia/Phoebe: No, I was listening to music to help me relax.
Piper: Why was the door locked?
(Leo walks up behind them.)
Leo: That was Paige on the phone, things just got a whole lot worse.
[Scene: Police station. Jail cell. Paige is sitting on the bed with a blanket wrapped around her. Piper, Kaia/Phoebe, Leo and Darryl are standing outside of the jail cell.]
Piper: How did she die? I thought it was just a concussion.
Darryl: The doctors think there was a blood clot in her brain.
Paige: It's all my fault.
Piper: No, it isn't.
Paige: Yeah, it is, I killed her.
Piper: No, you didn't, Cole did.
Piper: Look, I can't prove it but we found out that he has Phoebe under some kind of mind control, which means he's probably behind all of this.
Kaia/Phoebe: That evil bastard.
Paige: He's killing innocent people.
Piper: Alright, let's get you outta here. Come on, open this thing up.
Paige: It's not gonna be so easy.
Darryl: When the other driver died, the judge charged Paige with vehicular homicide. He set the bail at fifty thousand dollars.
Piper: Oh my god, where are we gonna get that kind of money.
Leo: It's after six, the banks aren't even open.
Kaia/Phoebe: Bail bondsman. We'll just go to a bail bondsman.
Darryl: Just go. Do that light thing that you do. I will try to cover for you.
Paige: What about your job?
Darryl: It doesn't matter. You know, I should've believed you in the first place. I will cover for you.
Phoebe: No, because if they figure out that Paige is gone, she will be in even more trouble. We'll go to a bail bondsman, that's what they're there for.
Piper: Okay, maybe you're right but you don't have to be so cheerful about it.
Phoebe: I'm just saying we can't leave Paige in jail overnight. You know, that's exactly what Cole wants, I'm sure.
Darryl: For that kind of bail you're gonna need some heavy duty collateral.
Leo: We can't use the club, 'cause it's, you know.
Piper: Then we'll have to use the house.
[Time lapse. Bail bondsman Office. Piper and Kaia/Phoebe are there. Cecil, the Bail Bondsman is sitting at his desk.]
Cecil: This will cover the fifty thousand bail. Sign here and here. And, uh, I'm gonna hold on to the grant deed to your house. You'll get it back when the jail bird shows up for court.
Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, it'll be fine. Paige won't skip bail.
Cecil: Alright, just, uh, sign there.
(Piper signs the paper.)
Piper: This doesn't feel right.
Cecil: It never does, lady, it never does. There's the receipt. Hold onto it. That's it. Your sister shows up for court you pay me back, plus ten percent.
Piper: Let's go make this worth our while.
(Piper and Phoebe leave the office. Cecil morphs into Cole. Cole looks at the deed, smiles and puts it in his pocket.)
[Cut to the manor. Foyer. Piper, Kaia/Phoebe, Paige and Leo orb in.]
Piper: Okay, people, let's move. The sooner we destroy Cole's headquarters, the sooner I feel better about this whole damn day.
(They notice three demons lounging around in their living room.)
Paige: Piper, we've got a bit of a situation in here.
(Cole stands on the stairs.)
Cole: Oops, I knew I forgot something. My mother always warned me about protecting my house from orbing.
Piper: Your house?
Cole: Yes, (he pulls the deed out of his pocket) you signed it, I have it. You could take me to court, try to evict me but by then it will be too late.
Paige: Too late for what?
Piper: Cole, I don't know what you think you're doing, but we have the paperwork that says the house is ours unless Paige forfeits bail.
(Kaia/Phoebe holds up the receipt.)
Kaia/Phoebe: Correction. (She walks over to Cole.) I have the paperwork.
Paige: Phoebe, what's going on?
(Phoebe shapeshifts into Kaia.)
Piper: Oh, dear.
(Cole waves his hand and pushes Piper, Paige and Leo outside. He wiggles his fingers and the front door slams shut, activating a force field.)
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Cole and Kaia walk in.]
Kaia: I don't even get one little thank you kiss?
Cole: You did well and you'll be paid for your efforts later.
(Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe.)
Kaia/Phoebe: Is this what a girl has to do to get a little attention around here? She hates you. You said it yourself. So why fight for her when I'm here for the taking.
Cole: You know, Kaia, I haven't killed you yet because I find you mildly entertaining, but soon the real Phoebe will be by my side and I'm not too sure that she'll feel the same way. So in interest of survival, I suggest you make yourself scarce.
(Cole walks into the basement.)
Kaia/Phoebe: Or maybe I'll just make her scarce.
[Cut to outside. The sidewalk. Piper, Paige and Leo are there. Leo is trying to sense Phoebe.]
Piper: Okay, I said something about hell and I rhymed it with Halliwell.
Paige: How can you not keep a copy of the spell you used to take away our sisters powers?
Piper: It was a crappy spell, okay? So I left it in the house, alright? Forgive me for not anticipating the demonic foreclosure.
Piper: What does he want in the house anyway? Is he after the Book of Shadows?
Leo: I still can't sense Phoebe.
Paige: Oh, god, do you think she's even still alive?
Piper: Cole wouldn't kill her. I don't think.
Paige: What about floozy Phoebe? Maybe she's got something up her sleeve?
Piper: Are you trying to help or are you just gonna ramble?
Paige: I'm just gonna ramble.
Leo: Alright, Paige, that's enough. Piper, you need to work on the spell. If Phoebe is still alive, she's gonna need her powers.
[Cut to Cole's apartment. Phoebe and Kaia/Phoebe are there. Phoebe is thrown against the wall.]
Kaia/Phoebe: You don't deserve him.
Phoebe: How many times do I have to tell you I don't want him.
(Phoebe attacks Kaia/Phoebe and she blocks Phoebe's kicks and punches.)
Kaia/Phoebe: (mocking Cole) I want the real Phoebe, I love the real Phoebe. You'll never be as good as the real Phoebe. (The continue to fight and Kaia/Phoebe throws Phoebe against a mirror. Phoebe falls to the floor.) What do you think, witch? Am I as good as you? (She pulls out the knife.) Or better?
(Phoebe gets up.)
Phoebe: Okay, alright, look, I'm sure we can talk about this.
Kaia/Phoebe: I don't think so. See, (she morphs into Kaia) I'm more of a looker than a talker.
Phoebe: Oh, you're blonde, I should've known.
Kaia: This is gonna be fun. (A light hits Phoebe and her powers return. Kaia throws the knife at Phoebe and she levitates in the air.) Your powers!
(Kaia attacks Phoebe and Phoebe kicks her in the stomach, sending Kaia across the room. Phoebe grabs the knife and Kaia runs towards Phoebe. Phoebe stabs Kaia in the stomach.)
Phoebe: You were right, that was fun. (Kaia is vanquished. Phoebe levitates up into the vent.) Leo!
[Cut to outside the manor. Piper and Paige are there. Leo orbs in with Phoebe.]
Paige: We're really sorry.
Piper: Yeah, we're sorry.
Piper: Are you okay?
Phoebe: It's okay, it's okay, I'm okay, I'm not mad. Well, maybe I'm a little bit mad. I mean, what took you guys so long and what happened to my powers?
Leo: Uh, well, she looked like you.
Paige: At the hospital you said you were tempted and that you didn't want us to vanquish him.
Piper: Then we saw you making out with Cole and we all got a little panicky.
Phoebe: Excuse me, did you really think I was making out with Cole?
Paige: We mentioned we were sorry?
Phoebe: You guys! Okay, well, I'm assuming since you're standing out on the street, that means Cole's in the house?
Piper: Yeah, but we don't know why.
Phoebe: He wants the Nexus.
Piper: Oh, no, he does not.
Paige: Wait, didn't I read about that in the Book of Shadows? Isn't that what made you evil before?
Piper: How does he know about that?
Phoebe: He knows everything about us. Okay, look, if he wants its power, he's gonna have to open the earth under the basement and take the shadow into him.
Leo: Okay, so how do we stop him?
Phoebe: Well, we can't, but once he has the shadow, there is a spell that can send it back into the earth and hopefully take Cole with him.
Piper: Yeah, but it has to be said over the Nexus in the basement.
Paige: Great, there's only a whole load of demons in the house and a force field keeping us out.
Phoebe: But the one good thing about Cole's little girlfriend, who is dead by the way, she looks just like me.
Paige: Wait a second, so you're gonna pretend to be her, pretending to be you?
Piper: If you go in there, you'll be vulnerable.
Phoebe: To turning evil? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's his plan. Look, you guys underestimated me once already today, please don't do it again.
Piper: She twirled her hair.
Paige: A lot.
Phoebe: She twirled her hair. Like this? (Phoebe twirls a piece of hair around her finger. Piper and Paige nod.) Okay, I'm going in.
[Cut to the porch. A demon guard is there. He rings the doorbell. Phoebe approaches him and takes his arm.]
Phoebe: Hey, baby, wanna escort a girl inside?
Demon Guard: Kaia, are you still playing good witch?
Phoebe: It's the way the big man likes it.
Demon Guard: Sick.
(The door opens and Phoebe and the guard walk in. The hallway is full of demons.)
Demon #1: Hey, look who it is.
Phoebe: Hi, boys, did you miss me?
Demon #1: Alright, the entertainment's here.
(A demon touches her butt and she jumps.)
Phoebe: Hey! Sorry. I'm just, you know, saving the goods for Cole. Take my jacket.
[Cut to the kitchen. A demon guard stands at the basement door. Phoebe walks in.]
Phoebe: Step aside and let a lady by?
Demon Guard #2: You're no lady, Kaia. And the boss sent you away.
Phoebe: Yeah, but he didn't mean it. Come on, let me past.
Demon Guard #2: I'll let you past if you can drop that witch act right now.
(Phoebe kicks him and he falls down the basement stairs.)
[Cut to the basement. Cole is there, chanting. The guard rolls down the stairs. Phoebe races down the stairs. The floor opens up and the shadow enters Cole. He gasps and his eyes turn black then return to normal.]
Cole: I'm so happy you came.
Phoebe: "I am light, I am one too strong to fight."
Cole: Oh, don't fight it, Phoebe. Let evil take you.
Phoebe: "Return to dark where shadows dwell, you can't have this Halliwell."
Cole: It's no use, Phoebe.
Phoebe: "So go away and leave my sight, and take with you this endless night."
(A tunnel of wind rises out of the hole in the floor and sucks Cole and the Demon Guard into the hole. It swirls upstairs and sucks every demon into the hole. The hole closes up.)
[Scene: Manor. Basement. Phoebe is there. Cole appears.]
Cole: My sweet Phoebe. I don't know how you did it. How you got past the force field, past the guards, but I love that you did. It's that fight that made me fall in love with you in the first place.
Phoebe: I thought you were dead.
Cole: So did I for a minute there but now that I know the earth can't even hold me, I guess I'll just call the shadow and try again.
Phoebe: You could do that. Hell, you could even turn me evil again. But you will never win because I'll never come back to you.
Phoebe: You just don't get it, Cole, do you? I thought you were dead and I felt nothing. No pain, no love, nothing. I'm free. And when we do vanquish you, and we will, I'll never look back.
[Cut to the foyer. Piper, Paige and Leo walk in.]
Paige: Okay, where are they? Where are the demons?
(Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Sorry, my sweeties, but they're all dead.
Piper: You didn't even leave us one?
Phoebe: Well, there's one left. Believe me, there is one left. But I was able to get back the house and keep Cole from getting the Nexus.
Piper: Phew. What about your job? And my club?
Leo: I think you can use your magic to reverse Cole's consequence free.
Piper: Well, thank the lord for that.
Paige: It won't reverse everything though. What about the woman he killed?
Phoebe: I promise you he won't get away with that.
[Scene: Demonic Strip Bar. Cole is there sitting on a chair. A dancer walks up to him.]
Dancer: You asked for me?
Cole: Kaia's friend?
Dancer: Used to be.
Cole: She tell you want I want?
Dancer: You mean this?
(She shapeshifts into Phoebe.)
Cole: Yeah, that's it.
(She moves closer and sits on his lap. She whispers in his ear.)
Dancer/Phoebe: You just tell me what you want, baby.
(Cole stabs her in the stomach.)
Cole: That's what I want, baby.
(The Dancer/Phoebe is vanquished. He looks at the knife and smiles.)