Cheaper By the Coven
Written by: Mark
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick
Season 7, Episode 03
Episode Number: 137
[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Phoebe, Paige, Wyatt and baby Chris are there. Paige has put down five candles on the floor and starts lighting them. Wyatt is playing with his toys, while Chris is in his bassinet.]
Paige: I have things to do too, you know. I have all these parents on my back right now. Oh, and my freshmen's potions class, let's see, I ordered five hundred dried toads. What did I get? Mm, five hundred wet ones.
Phoebe: Look, Paige, it's just really hard for me to get on board with this when Piper, the actual mother, is totally against doing the wiccaning.
Paige: That's what Grams is here for. To convince her. Look at Wyatt. He didn't have one until he was six months old and he almost turned evil. (about Chris) Now, look at that little sweet face. You want a repeat of that?
Phoebe: No, of course I don't.
Paige: "Hear me now, hear my cry, spirit from the other side, cross now the great divide.
(Grams appears with her back turned in a swirl of bright lights. Apparently she was in the middle of a conversation.)
Grams: You mean she is still lying about her age? (She chuckles.) Um... wh... (She turns to face the girls.) Not a good time, girls. I'm busy.
Paige: You're dead.
Grams: Well, it doesn't mean I can't have a life. Ah, well, alright.
(She steps out of the candle circle and becomes corporeal.)
(She hugs Phoebe.)
Grams: Hello, darlings. (She hugs Paige.) Aw, sweetie. Oh, so, what brings me down here?
Paige: A wiccaning for your great grandson.
Phoebe: Providing Piper doesn't kill us first.
Grams: A wiccaning? I thought we already did that.
Paige: Not for baby Chris.
(Grams looks at baby Chris.)
Grams: Uh, help me out here. Last time I knew he was a six-foot Whitelighter.
Phoebe: Yeah, that was Chris from the future, this is baby Chris now. Piper and Leo had this night. Do you really need us to explain this to you? Or can you just be happy to see him?
(Grams picks up baby Chris.)
Grams: Wyatt has a little baby brother. Oh, aren't you sweet. So, um, when does Piper want to do this?
Phoebe: Well, technically, never.
Grams: Nonsense. You can't deny this child his ancestral blessings. It's a witch's compass for good. I mean, who knows what terrible evils could befall him otherwise.
Paige: See, now that's the kind of stuff that Piper needs to hear.
(Chris's pacifier orbs out of his mouth and into Wyatt's hands.)
Grams: Wyatt, don't pick on your little brother like that. Now give it back. (The pacifier orbs back into Chris's mouth. Wyatt orbs out.) What was that all about?
Paige: He's fine. He probably just orbed himself up to his room.
Phoebe: He's having a hard time right now. His dad's never around, his little brother's getting all the attention, he's constantly being chased by the underworld, you know.
Grams: Well, I'm afraid he just going to have to get used to it.
Phoebe: He's two.
Grams: Right. Okay. (She gives Chris to Phoebe.) I'll go up and apologise.
(Grams goes upstairs.)
Phoebe: Still think this was a good idea?
(Paige pokes out her tongue.)
[Cut to Wyatt's room. Wyatt is sitting in his bed with his force field surrounding him. A masked demon is standing over him. Grams walks in and gasps.]
(The masked demon throws a lightning bolt at Grams knocking her into the hallway. Wyatt cries. Phoebe and Paige run in.)
(The shelf orbs off the wall. The masked demon shimmers out before the shelf lands on him.)
Grams: Looks like I didn't get here a minute too soon.
[Scene: P3. Piper is there talking on the phone.]
Piper: Oh, no, that's okay, Jerry, just, you know, get here whenever you can. Okay, thanks, bye.
(An employee, Rex, walks over to her.)
Rex: Are you okay, Piper?
Piper: Yeah. Why?
Rex: Well, a beer shipment delayed so close to the weekend, just figured there'd be more fireworks.
Piper: Oh, no, it's no big deal. We'll just charge more for the ginger ale. I'm kidding.
Rex: See, there you go again. I don't know what, but something's going on.
Piper: No. You know how people just leave things up to a higher power? Well, I'm trying to live my life without any powers. Makes for a lot less stress.
(Phoebe walks in.)
Piper: Until now.
(Rex walks away.)
Phoebe: What's that face for? Your sister can't come by without there being something wrong?
Piper: What's up?
Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing's up, you know. Why would you think anything is up? I just came by to tell my sister that I finally won a readers choice award.
Phoebe: Thanks. Yeah, maybe there's one more thing, you know. Something happened today after we summoned Grams.
Piper: What? What? Why, did you summon Grams?
Phoebe: For Chris's wiccaning. It was Paige's idea, not mine, don't blame me.
Piper: What did I say? I don't want any magic. Look, I know my kids can't have a completely normal life, but I've gotta give it a shot.
Phoebe: Yes, absolutely, and I think we should start tomorrow, because, uh... A demon attacked Wyatt.
Piper: And you wait until now to tell me?
Phoebe: I didn't want to worry you. He's okay, Piper.
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper walks in through the front door.]
Grams: Oh, hi, sweetie, how are you?
Piper: Don't you sweetie me. Where are the boys?
Grams: Oh, they're both perfectly fine. Paige took them to Magic School.
Piper: Leo, now! (They walk up the stairs to the second floor.) Leo!
Grams: Honey, are you sure you want him down here? I mean, considering that he can't even tell good from evil anymore. Well, you know, lost soul and all. Oh, uh, Paige filled me in.
Piper: Okay, first of all our children's safety is Leo's number one priority, no matter how lost he may be. Leo!
(Leo orbs in.)
Leo: What's the matter? What happened?
Piper: A demon attacked Wyatt. He's okay, he's at the school.
Leo: What kind of demon was it?
Grams: No idea. It had some sort of creepy mask. Oh, and it struck me down with a lightning bolt.
Piper: I can't believe this is happening. I can't do this again.
Leo: Don't worry, I'm gonna go back down there and I'm gonna find out who it was.
Grams: Down there? As in the underworld? Hang out there a lot, do you?
Leo: Best place to vanquish demons, isn't it?
(Leo orbs out.)
Grams: Listen, Piper, far be it for me to meddle.
Piper: Then don't. Because you're already pressing your luck being here in the first place. Yeah, I know about the wiccaning.
(They walk up the stairs into the attic.)
Grams: I don't know why you're being so stubborn about it. I mean, what better way to ward off demon attacks.
Piper: Demon went after Wyatt not his brother.
Grams: Well, all the more reason to protect Chris.
Piper: Except for the fact Wyatt's wiccaning didn't really protect him now, did it? Aside from the fact that it almost destroyed you, or do you not remember your friend, the Necromancer? I just need to find out who the hell is after my son.
[Scene: Magic School. Paige's office. Paige, a young teacher, Wyatt and Chris are there. Chris's blanket orbs into Wyatt's hands.]
Paige: I saw that, Wyatt, you give that back to your little brother while I find out who's trying to kill you.
Ben: Well, whoever it is can't get to him here. These guys are protected.
Paige: Yes, Wyatt is, but his little brother is not so protected from him.
Ben: It's gotta be tough for him. He's a new kid on the block, suddenly he's yesterday's news.
Paige: Spoken like a true older brother. (Suddenly, a stack of papers appear in the in-tray on the desk.) Student progress reports. But the year hasn't gone on long enough for there to be any progress.
Ben: Afraid I can't help you with that, Miss Matthews. But I did find something on masked demons.
(He shows her a book.)
Paige: Paige, please. What do you got?
Teacher: A couple of possibilities. Could be an Aztec demon, Chinese false face demon. Any of those look familiar?
Paige: No, Ben, I'm sorry, they don't. When I took this job I had no idea just how much work there would be. (Wyatt orbs Chris out of his bassinet.) Who knows what I'm letting slip through the cracks.
Ben: I think I just found the first thing.
Ben: Your nephew.
Paige: Wyatt, where did you orb your little brother?
[Cut to the manor. Foyer. The doorbell rings. Piper is on the phone walking towards the front door.]
Piper: No, Paige, he's not here. Where the hell is he?
(Piper opens the door and Victor is there holding baby Chris.)
Victor: I hope this is yours because it sure isn't mine.
Piper: Thank god. I got him.
(She hangs up. Victor hands Chris to her.)
Piper: Hi there, you. And you.
Victor: Hi. I stepped up on the porch and all of a sudden the little guy just flies into my arms.
Piper: Yeah, his brother orbed him from Magic School.
Victor: Oh, is that normal?
Piper: Has been lately.
(They walk into the parlor where Grams is sitting.)
Grams: Victor, what are you doing here?
Victor: And a big hello to you too, Penny. I was invited for a wiccaning.
Grams: Oh, sorry. Wiccanings are only for magical family members.
Victor: That's not what Paige says.
Grams: Well, Paige doesn't know all the rules.
Piper: Okay, I can see this is gonna go really well, but it really doesn't matter who was invited because there isn't going to be a wiccaning. Paige seems to think that if she crams enough family members down my throat that I'm gonna give in, but it's not gonna work. Because nothing is working. There is some creepy ass demon after my son, and now Wyatt wants to orb his brother all over creation for god only knows what reason.
Victor: Well, isn't that just boys being boys? I mean, there's always going to be sibling rivalry?
Piper: No, actually, it's not. This is not them fighting over toys. They nearly kill each other in the future.
Grams: You know, there's an easy way to nip this thing in the butt.
Piper: And what would that be exactly?
[Time lapse. Attic. Piper, Grams and Victor are looking through boxes.]
Piper: Snakes and Ladders, a very unfortunate halter top. But I don't see a little black book.
Victor: I do.
(He holds it up. Grams snatches it off him.)
Grams: Thank you.
Victor: Don't want me looking up the old boyfriends, huh?
Grams: They were in a much bigger book, thank you. Now, these contain spells I used to use on the girls when they were younger.
Victor: You used spells on my daughters?
Grams: Oh, every now and then. Hey, you try raising three girls by yourself. Keeping them in line. How else was I gonna stop them from misbehaving?
Victor: Gee, I don't know. By talking to them?
Piper: Hey, how's about we just find that damn spell. How's that sound?
Grams: That's your answer for everything, isn't it? I was essentially a single parent. Patty was dead and it's not as if you were ever around.
Victor: You wouldn't allow me to be.
Piper: Okay, do I need to find something to separate you two?
(Piper snatches the book off Grams.)
Grams: You know, your daughters only ended up saving the world every other week. Believe it or not, it might have had something to do with the way I raised them.
Piper: Found it. Spell to resolve sibling rivalry.
Grams: Oh, good, good. I'll get the boys and you call your sisters. We'll get rid of the rivalry and then you can use the power of three to vanquish the demon, okay.
Piper: Great, more magic.
Grams: Do you have any other suggestions?
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. Les is there talking on the hands free phone while playing golf. Phoebe walks in.]
Phoebe: I have a suggestion. The next time Ask Phoebe wins an award, you should probably try calling Phoebe.
Les: Let me get back to you, Diane. (He hangs up.) Sorry, research. So what's going on?
Phoebe: Uh, did you just hear what I said?
Les: Yeah, I wasn't trying to snake the award from you. I was actually gonna accept it on your behalf because I was under the now great mistaken impression that you were actually taking some time off. (The phone rings.) Uh, just one second. (He answers it.) Yeah, this is Leslie. Hey, Rachel.
Phoebe: Hm, research?
Les: No, this is personal. Yeah, can I call you back? Great. (He hangs up.) Where was I?
(He continues with his golf. Phoebe puts her foot on the green.)
Phoebe: You were making some lame excuse about how you were about to accept an award for something you didn't write.
Les: Actually, I did write it.
(He hands her the article.)
Phoebe: Oh. Congratulations.
Les: You know, Phoebe, when I write these columns, I'm really trying to channel you... and your vibe.
Phoebe: Spare me the false humility.
Les: Yeah, it was pretty false. Well, look, why don't we go to this thing together? It's today, it's not too late. You can go and accept the award yourself.
Phoebe: No, I think that you should go accept and maybe bring one of your phone pals with you.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Grams and Victor are waiting there. Paige orbs in with Wyatt.]
Paige: Okay, let's make this quick. I have four real angry parents waiting for me in the office.
Victor: Well, there's my other grandson.
Grams: Come along, darling. (She takes Wyatt's hand.) I need you to stand by your little brother. (She takes him over to Chris's bassinet.) Right there.
Victor: You do know what you're doing, right?
Grams: Paige, dear, we're getting our wiccaning.
Piper: I said maybe. We have a few more pressing issues to deal with at the moment.
Paige: Mm, what changed your mind?
Piper: Nothing. Although it's getting harder and harder to say no with the arrival of a new family member every five minutes.
Grams: Alright, are you two ready to finally get along? "Cast your petty jealousies to darkest night, let these feuding siblings no longer fight."
(A blue cloud rises above Wyatt and Chris.)
Paige: Okay, shouldn't those stop now?
Piper: Grams, are you sure this is the right spell?
(Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Warn me never to go on sabbatical again. (The blue light hits Piper, Phoebe and Paige. They start acting like children.) Because that Leslie is such a jerk-face!
Paige: Oh, please, you so like him.
Phoebe: I do not.
Piper: Do too.
Phoebe: I do not, Piper.
Paige: You so like him.
Phoebe: I do not, Paige.
Piper: Do too.
Phoebe: I do not, Piper.
Piper: Why don't you just marry him already.
(The masked demon appears behind Wyatt.)
Phoebe: Why don't you just marry Leo?
Piper: 'Cause I already did.
(Wyatt's force field surrounds him. The demon touches the force field and is knocked backwards.)
Grams: Girls, he's here. Piper, blast him. (Piper screams.) Girls.
(The girls run out of the attic. Grams sends an athame flying towards the masked demon. He disappears.)
Victor: Anymore great ideas?
[Scene: Manor. Stairs. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Grams are walking down them.]
Phoebe: I am so out of here.
Piper: Phoebe, do not go out that front door.
Phoebe: Try and stop me.
(Piper accidentally blows up a pot plant.)
Phoebe: Geez, blow my head off why don't you.
Piper: Oh, come on, it was an accident.
Grams: Paige, no one leaves this house until I reverse that spell.
Piper: Phoebe, don't.
Grams: I mean it, Paige.
(Paige orbs out.)
Grams: Paige. Phoebe, Phoebe, don't you are leave this house.
Phoebe: Why not? Paige did.
Piper: That doesn't count. She's probably went to Magic School.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I'm going to the Reader's Choice awards.
Grams: Phoebe, you've got more important things to worry about than some silly award.
Piper: Way to go, Grams.
Grams: Piper, don't be rude.
Piper: Look, it's not my fault it's only the stupidest book ever, and you said the stupid spell would work and it didn't. So you know what?
(Piper continues to ramble on. Victor comes down the stairs with Wyatt and Chris.)
Grams: "Let this girl, quick as a sneeze, stop this snit and quickly freeze." (Piper freezes.) That's better.
Victor: Why is my daughter a statue?
Grams: She's fine. She'll thaw out in a minute.
Victor: How do I know she won't be this way forever? That it won't backfire like your last brilliant spell.
(They walk into the dining room.)
Grams: Have you heard a peep out of those boys? No. Because the spell worked. Pulled the rivalry right out of them. Unfortunately it went into the nearest set of siblings. In this case, the girls. Anyway, they know everything that's going on in their adult lives. The only difference is they're not adults.
Victor: Just tell me how to get them back to normal.
Grams: Easy. I just have to figure out a reversal spell, hopefully before the demon returns. And we've got to get the boys to Magic School, they'll be safe there.
Victor: Fine. Tell me how to get there.
Grams: You don't. Magic School is not for mortals.
Victor: Well, they'll just have to make an exception, won't they?
Grams: Forget it, Victor. Call Leo. He'll take them.
[Scene: Underworld. Seer's Cave. Leo is hiding in the shadows. The Seer waves her hand above a large pool of water.]
Seer: Kind of an odd place for an Elder to visit. Then again, the word is, you can't get enough of the dark side these days.
Leo: Someone from the underworld is after my son. I want to know who.
Seer: You mean, a demon? Nah. I don't think so. They know better by now.
Leo: Obviously somebody doesn't.
Seer: Tell me. What makes you so sure it's not an Elder? Someone who thinks that maybe your friend Gideon was right.
(He grabs her by the throat.)
Leo: No other Elders are gonna die by my hands. I can't say the same thing for demons.
Seer: Can you even tell the difference anymore? (He throws her across the room.) You know, I'm kind of liking this new side of you. It's not as goopy.
Leo: Last time, who's trying to kill my son?
Oracle: You want an answer? You'll find it in there. (He watches as the pool of water forms a face. Leo's face.) Looks like the only threat to your son is you.
(He grabs her by the neck.)
Leo: No! You lie!
Oracle: The pool never lies.
(He lets go and she drops to the floor.)
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper and Grams are sitting at the table. Piper is fanning herself with a notepad.]
Grams: Okay, try this. "Words that cast a sibling glow..." Piper.
Piper: What? I told you I'm not doing this. I'm not writing anything down, I'm not doing magic.
(She throws the notepad onto the table.)
Grams: Do you remember the first time you were this age, when I sat you and your sisters down and we had the talk.
Piper: Grams, I already know all about sex, and no offence but I don't want to talk about with you because that's really gross.
Grams: No, not the sex talk, silly. The witch talk.
Piper: So what did you tell us?
Grams: That my being a witch was such an important part of my life and what it meant to me, and what it might mean to you someday.
Piper: Did you tell us that Prue and mum were gonna die? That Leo was gonna lose his marbles. Or that demons were gonna be chasing after us all the time everywhere.
Grams: Piper, I didn't know any of those things were going to happen. But if I did, I would've done everything in my power to stop it. (They hug.) I'd like to think that being a witch gave you the inner strength you needed to deal with all those sadness's in your life. Did you ever think about that?
(Leo orbs in.)
Leo: You called?
Piper: No. But hi.
Grams: Victor called you. He's in the other room. (Piper gets up.) Piper, where are you going?
(They follow Leo into the conservatory.)
Leo: What's up?
Victor: Oh, hey, Leo. Hey, you don't look so good.
Piper: You know what, dad? You could try maybe being a little bit nice to Leo. What do you think, huh?
Leo: Piper, are you okay? You don't seem...
Grams: Oh, she's fine. We're fixing it.
Victor: Leo, we need you to take the boys to Magic School for their safety.
Grams: Do you have a problem with that? Never mind, we'll, uh, we'll just keep them here.
Leo: I can take them.
Grams: You don't look like you can.
Leo: What are you saying?
Grams: I don't know what's wrong with you, Leo.
Leo: Nothing's wrong with me.
(Leo takes Chris from Victor and holds Wyatt's hand.)
Grams: Where are you going?
Leo: To protect my children.
(Leo orbs out.)
Piper: You know, I don't understand why you guys have to be so mean to Leo, you know. In case you haven't heard, he's kind of going through a hard time right about now. I mean, geez!
(Piper storms off.)
Grams: We've got to turn these girls back fast. I'm gonna finish the spell and get Paige. Uh, make yourself useful, okay? Get Phoebe.
[Scene: Reader's Choice awards. A waitress carrying a tray of wine glasses walks past Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Oh, I'll take one of those. (She takes a glass.) This is so cool. They didn't even card me.
(Les walks up to her.)
Les: Didn't expect to see you here.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I changed my mind 'cause it's my award and I'm not gonna share it with anybody, so there.
Les: Phoebe, are you drunk?
(A man stands behind the podium.)
Man: If I could please have everyone's attention. This year's winner of the San Francisco Reader's Choice award for single best column is, The Bay Mirror's Phoebe Halliwell.
Les: Hey, it's not too late. If you still want me to go up there for you I can.
Phoebe: Yeah, nice try. (Phoebe goes up on stage and takes the award.) Thank you. Wow. I mean, this is so awesome. This is so, like, totally, amazingly awesome. Really, totally awesome. Thanks.
(The crowd applauses. A woman stands up.)
Woman: In your column...
Phoebe: Yes, you mean the bestest column in all the world.
Woman: (unsure) Yes. You gave great advice to that woman. I'm just curious, was it based on something that happened to you?
Phoebe: Um, yeah, actually, it did happen to me, it was very sad. Okay, next question.
Woman: Wait, wait. Would you mind telling me what that thing was?
Phoebe: You mean what, you mean what happened to me?
(Leslie walks up to the stage.)
Les: It was actually something that happened to me. If I could answer the question.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah.
Les: I'm lucky enough to have worked with Phoebe at the paper. Anyway, a few years back this girl, she dumped me, and I was really broken up about it, 'cause I thought she was the one, you know. And the whole thing made me gun-shy about relationships. So anyway, Phoebe takes me aside one day and she says, she says let me tell you about the one. The one is the person who sees you for the idiot you are but they still want you in their life. That's the one. And I told her, I said Phoebe, I think that's great advice, and not just for me. And I guess that's really how it got in her column.
(The crowd applauses.)
Phoebe: Thank you, yeah, that's what happened. Thank you. (They walk off the stage.) Oh my god, oh my god, Leslie, thank you so much. (She jumps up and hugs him and wraps her legs around his waist.) I was so scared up there and I was so nervous that I thought I was going to hurl.
Les: You're welcome. Are you alright? You still seem a little...
(She stands back on the ground.)
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm fine. I can't believe I just hugged you. I have to go.
(She rushes off.)
[Scene: Magic School. Classroom. Ben is teaching a class. Paige stands at the doorway.]
Ben: Miss Matthews.
Paige: Yeah, stop calling me Miss Matthews. Paige.
Ben: Okay, uh, Paige, is there something that I can help you with?
Paige: I would actually like to talk to you for a little bit if I could.
(They go into the hallway.)
Ben: Paige, what's going on? What did you call me out here for?
(She kisses him.)
Paige: That. Oh my god, how old are you, anyway?
Paige: Okay, big mistake. No. One kiss, okay? Shh. That's it. We're not going to second base.
Ben: Oh, come on.
(Grams walks up to them.)
Grams: She said no. Robbing the cradle, you should be ashamed of yourself. Come on, dear. Time to grow up.
Paige: I'll dream about you.
[Cut to the main hall. Leo, Wyatt and baby Chris are there. The masked demon appears beside Wyatt's playpen and Wyatt's force field surrounds himself. Leo throws a lightning bolt at the masked demon and he hits the wall. Streams of lightning shoot out of their hands meeting in the middle. After a while, Leo's lightning over powers the demon's and the demon is knocked backwards. His mask falls off and reveals his identity. It's Leo.]
(Paige and Grams rush in. Demon Leo disappears.)
[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe is sitting at the table writing "Leslie is Hot!" on a notepad and chewing gum. Victor is standing by the door watching her. Phoebe picks up her cell phone and dials a number.]
Les' Voice: This is Leslie. Hello? Hello?
(She hangs up. Piper walks in.)
Piper: Alright, give it to me. I'm calling him myself.
Phoebe: No, don't you dare.
Piper: Phoebe, do you want to know if he likes you or not?
Phoebe: Yeah, but... Wait! If he asks, I'm not here, okay, I'm not even in the house anywhere.
Piper: Okay, already.
(Piper starts dialling.)
Piper: (sings) Phoebe and Leslie sit in the tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.
(Phoebe grabs her.)
(Paige, Grams, Wyatt and baby Chris orb in.)
Grams: Stay here, protect the boys. (to Victor) You, come with me. (Grams and Victor walk into the kitchen.) Close the door. (He does so.) I found the demon who's after Wyatt.
Victor: You did? When? Where?
(Leo orbs in.)
Grams: There he is!
Leo: No, you're making a huge mistake.
Grams: Get out of here, Leo. I'm warning you.
Victor: Penny, what the hell are you talking about?
Grams: I saw this monster attack Wyatt at Magic School.
Leo: That wasn't me.
Grams: Well, he sure as hell looked like you.
Leo: I know it did. Look, I can explain. It must have been some kind of shapeshifter or something.
Grams: I don't know any shapeshifters who can get into Magic School or any who have Elders powers.
Victor: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you saying?
Leo: He attacked me, remember? I was trying to protect Wyatt.
[Cut to the conservatory. The girls are sitting at the table.]
Grams' Voice: Yes, from yourself.
Phoebe: I hate it when they fight.
Piper: That's because this stupid magic is ruining our lives.
Phoebe: It's already ruined mine because now Leslie knows I like him, and I can never leave the house again.
Piper: Shh, shh, shh.
[Cut to the kitchen.]
Leo: This is my son we're talking about. I would never hurt him.
Grams: Just like you would never hurt an Elder? Or kill one?
Leo: Who are you talking about?
Grams: I think you know who I'm talking about. Gideon.
Victor: Look, I don't care what you say, Leo's right. He would never hurt his son.
Grams: And how would you know?
Victor: Because I'm a father.
Grams: Victor, you have absolutely no idea what the magical world is capable of.
Leo: He may not have an idea but I do. I am not capable of that.
Grams: No? Even after all you've been through? Look at yourself. Is it so hard to believe that maybe some dark alter ego of yours might be acting on your true feelings?
Leo: What true feelings?
Grams: That maybe deep down inside you think Gideon was right. Your son doesn't belong in this world.
Leo: That's ridiculous.
Grams: Is it? And how else do you explain what happened? Where else could that demon have come from? (Leo orbs out.) Change of plans. We're not reversing the rivalry spell. At least not yet.
Victor: Why not? I thought...
Grams: No, listen. If adult Piper were to find out that Leo was trying to harm Wyatt, it would devastate her. She wouldn't be able to fight him off.
Victor: We're talking about my daughter here, so I get a say in this.
Grams: No, with birthdays and holidays you get a say. With magic and demons, what I say goes. Now if you'll excuse me.
[Time lapse. Attic. Grams is putting Crystals around the room. Victor walks in.]
Victor: I told the girls to stay downstairs until we settled this.
Grams: There's nothing to settle. Now if you don't mind, I'm demon proofing the attic. I want to keep the children safe.
Victor: Wait, believe it or not, I really appreciate what you've done for my daughters.
Grams: Buttering me up won't do you any good. I'm not reversing the spell.
Victor: I don't expect you to. But I do expect you to understand that even though I couldn't be there when they were growing up, I'm here now. And just like you, I want to do what's best for them.
Grams: We already are.
Victor: No, we're not. And since I wanna reverse the spell and you don't, I think we should bring in a third party to break the tie so to speak.
Grams: A third party? Who'd you have in mind? Their mother?
(Grams chuckles. Victor joins in.)
Victor: Yes, that's exactly who I had in mind. Do it.
Grams: Oh, alright. But she's not going to side with you, you know.
(Grams waves her arm and Patty appears in a swirl of bright lights.)
Patty: Mum. Victor.
Victor: Wow, Patty, you look great.
Grams: Oh, stop trying to sweet talk her.
Patty: What's going on?
[Scene: Underworld. Seer's Cave. Leo walks out of the shadows.]
Seer: There's nothing more I can tell you about the demon.
Leo: You can tell me where he came from. I have to know, did it come from me? Tell me.
Seer: Oh, what's the matter? Are you in pain?
Seer: See, I have a problem. You kind of have a temper. And if I don't tell you then, well, you'll probably choke me to death. And if I do tell you and you don't like the answer, well, then you'll probably choke me to death.
Leo: I won't hurt you.
Seer: Yeah, that's not much of a guarantee. But you could swear on the head of your precious son.
Leo: Leave him out of this.
Seer: There's that temper thing.
Leo: I'm not leaving here until I get an answer.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Grams and Victor are arguing.]
Grams: I'm telling you, she would never get over it. Her own husband trying to kill their child?
Victor: Oh, bull. We don't even know that it's Leo.
Grams: What if it is? You trust Leo to look after those boys?
Victor: Better than keeping them locked up in the closet.
Patty: Okay, guys!
Grams: Can I just say here...
Patty: No. Victor's right.
Patty: No, mum. We have to reverse the siblings spell and get the girls back to being adults so that they can vanquish this thing. Whoever it is.
Grams: But the danger to Piper.
Patty: She's in more danger if we don't.
Grams: Listen, Patty, I know these girls. I've been with them every step of the way.
Patty: But we're their parents.
Grams: Oh. Oh, well, then fine.
Grams: I can see I'm not needed here.
Patty: No, come on, come on, I...
Victor: She always was a bad loser.
Patty: Yeah, she'll get over it. By the way, Victor, I have a question. Why'd you call on me to settle this?
Victor: Girls were in trouble and, um, you were the only person I could think of dead or alive.
Patty: Oh. Still, it was teenage trouble. It's kind of unfamiliar territory for us.
Victor: Look, I know we had our troubles but I think that if we've been given the chance, we had done a really good job raising those girls. You wanna see them?
Patty: Are you kidding? Wait, wait, wait. When you said the girls reverted, what exactly did you mean?
Victor: You'll see.
[Time lapse. Parlor. Patty and Victor walk down the stairs. The girls rush over to Patty.]
Phoebe: Hi, mummy! (They all hug her at once.) Mummy, let's sing a song, okay?
Patty: I see the problem.
Victor: Well, there's another problem. Your mother took the reversal spell.
Patty: That's okay, I've got one of my own. Okay, girls, calm down.
Phoebe: Mummy, I met this boy and he's really, really cute.
Patty: We'll talk about the boy later. And everything else. 'Cause we've got so much to catch up on. But right now I need you girls to stand over there.
Piper: Is Leo a demon...
Piper: Okay. She said now, Phoebe!
Phoebe: I heard her, Piper.
Patty: Okay, okay.
Piper: Today, Phoebe.
(They stand in a line.)
Phoebe: You're so bossy.
Patty: "Reverse the spell from the book, and please restore what was... took." I made it up when I was nine.
(A blue cloud rises out of the girls and enters Wyatt and baby Chris.)
Victor: So how's this work exactly? You remember everything that happened?
Phoebe: Oh my god. Yes. Leslie.
Paige: Oh my goodness, I tongued a student.
Victor: Piper, there's something I've gotta tell you about Wyatt and Leo.
Piper: No, dad, I already know, and you're right, Leo would never hurt Wyatt.
Paige: We overheard everything you guys were talking about.
Piper: Okay, let's go. We've got a demon to kill and a child to save.
(The girls go upstairs.)
Patty: That's our girl.
[Time lapse. Nursery. It's dark. Wyatt is asleep in his bed. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are sitting in the corner of the room.]
Piper: Are you sure this is going to work?
Paige: How many times are you gonna ask me that?
Piper: Sorry, I'm just nervous. I just wish we knew what the hell was going on.
Paige: Yeah, well, whatever's going on, I'm pretty sure the demon has something to do with Leo. What? I'm just saying.
Phoebe: Do you ever wonder what it would've been like if mum and dad both raised us?
Piper: All the time. (Demon Leo appears beside Wyatt's bed. The girls get up.) Oh my god.
Paige: Piper, it's not Leo. Throw the potion. (Piper throws the potion at Demon Leo's feet. Nothing happens.) Okay, that should've worked.
(Demon Leo picks up Wyatt.)
(Piper tries to blow him up. He disappears with Wyatt.)
[Scene: Manor. Piper's bedroom. Baby Chris is asleep in the bassinet. Piper, Phoebe and Paige walk in.]
Piper: You promised that the potion would work.
Paige: It was supposed to. I couldn't have made it any stronger.
Piper: Well, why didn't it? Are you kidding me? We can't stop someone from stealing my son.
Phoebe: Okay, you need to calm down and just try to focus on how to find them.
(Patty and Victor walk in.)
Victor: Girls, I think your mother might be onto something here.
Patty: It's just that this seems somehow vaguely familiar to me, that's all.
Paige: Familiar how?
Patty: I'm not sure. You said you saw the demon appear at Magic School. Do you know what Wyatt was doing before?
Patty: Or maybe dreaming.
Victor: He also appeared in the attic when everyone was arguing.
Patty: In front of Wyatt.
Phoebe: The demon showed up right after Grams snapped at Wyatt.
Piper: Would somebody please tell me what's going on?
Patty: When you were a little girl, right after your father and I split up.
Victor: You started having a lot of bad dreams. Doctor called them night terrors.
Patty: He said it was your subconscious way of blaming yourself for our break up.
Paige: You're saying Piper is the cause of your divorce?
Patty: No, no, no, of course not. It was...
Victor: Other things.
Piper: Right. Yeah, all this family history stuff is really interesting, but how is this gonna help us find Wyatt?
Phoebe: I think what they're saying is it's the same thing. Wyatt is blaming himself just like you blamed yourself.
Patty: Except because Wyatt is so powerful, he made his night terrors come to life whenever he felt conflict.
Piper: But why would he make something up to hurt himself? And why Leo?
(Leo walks in.)
Leo: Because I'm the bad guy. As far as he's concerned if I hadn't killed Gideon and saved him, I wouldn't be so lost, I'd be around here, I'd be home. He thinks it's all his fault.
Paige: That's ridiculous.
Piper: No, it's not. I can relate.
Phoebe: How did you figure this all out?
Leo: Well, let's just say somebody helped me look in the mirror.
Piper: So how do we find him?
Leo: We go to where he thinks it all started. Where I killed Gideon.
[Cut to a cave. Demon Leo and Wyatt are there.]
Demon Leo: This is gonna get your mummy and daddy back together. One way or the other. That's what you want most af all, isn't it?
(Demon Leo moves away. Several creepy looking demons appear and move towards Wyatt hissing and growling. Piper and Leo walk in and zap and blow up the demons. Demon Leo steps back into view.)
Leo: It's not your fault, Wyatt. None of this is, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm the reason things are all messed up. Not you. You and Chris and mummy mean everything to me. You're the things that keep me from falling apart.
Piper: Come on, baby, come home. Daddy's not going anywhere, I promise.
(Demon Leo vanishes. Leo picks up Wyatt.)
Leo: I'm so sorry.
Piper: It's not your fault, it's not anybody's fault.
Leo: Still, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to find my way again.
Piper: Yes, you do, you just have to try.
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. Les is there sitting on the couch. Phoebe knocks on the door.]
Phoebe: Can I come in?
Les: Sure, it's your office.
Phoebe: Can I sit down?
Les: Please, please.
(She does so.)
Phoebe: I just came by to thank you for what you did yesterday.
Les: What, are you kidding me? After that nice long hug, you know, I figured I came out ahead on the deal.
Phoebe: Yeah, that-that was the three martinis talking.
Les: Well, you had wine, and just one glass, but anyway.
Phoebe: Well, I hugged you because I was just, you know, grateful for what you did.
Les: I don't know, you squeezed me pretty tight.
Phoebe: Yeah, I was pretty grateful.
Les: Come on, there was nothing else besides gratitude behind that hug?
Phoebe: What would you like there to be?
Les: Just admit it. You like me.
Phoebe: How can you be so sure of that?
Les: Oh, I don't know. The twenty-eight phone calls in two hours. Caller ID.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, that was because my redial button was broken, so it just kept redialling.
Phoebe: Yeah, and you were the last number I called, you know, so it just...
Phoebe: Well, thank you.
(Phoebe walks out into the main room.)
Les: If she turns around it means she likes me. Come on, Phoebe, don't let me down. You can do it, turn around. (Phoebe stops and looks back at Les.) That-a-girl.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Patty and Victor are there.]
Victor: Are you okay?
Patty: Yeah. It's just leaving is always the hardest part.
Victor: Well, maybe I shouldn't have...
Patty: No, no, I'm glad you did. I wanted to be here for this, for them. It's just hard, you know. Price I pay for being dead, I guess. We missed a lot. Not being able to raise them together.
Victor: I know. But we made up for it a little bit today, didn't we?
(Piper (carrying Chris) Phoebe, Paige and Leo (carrying Wyatt) walk in.)
Piper: Alright, already, break it up. Kids entering.
Paige: Grams, are you coming down?
Phoebe: Ugh, she's being a martyr.
Paige: Grams, please.
Piper: Last call, woman.
Grams' Voice: Oh, very well. (She appears.) Just so we're clear, my way would've worked too. Nevertheless you're all forgiven. Except Leo.
Leo: Why not me?
Grams: Because I owe you the apology. I'm sorry I thought you were evil. Not that you could blame me.
Leo: That's an apology?
Victor: I'd take it if I were you.
Piper: Alright, let's do this before I change my mind.
(Piper hands baby Chris to Grams.)
Grams: "I call forth from space and time, matriarchs from Halliwell line, mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, are family's spirit without end."
(About a dozen women spirits appear in the room.)